"When people succeed, it is because of hard work. Luck has nothing to do with success." Do you agree or disagree with the quotation above? Use specific reasons and examples to explain your position.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
When watching interviews of by some successful people, they usually say luck has helped them to succeed. success. However, this line is only for people who are being humble. Behind their success, there are efforts that led to their success. Thus, it is wrong to solely wait for the luck to come since luck has nothing to do with success.
To begin with, hard work is fundamental in everything. In order for luck to work, there should be some preparation to be embedded. Conversely, although a person encounters good opportunity, that person will not be able to use it wisely if he has not worked hard before. Thus, everything is based on one's efforts. 내용의 방향 자체는 이해되지만, 표현들이 너무 피상적이라는 게 아쉽습니다. 구체적으로 '노력'이 성공의 '어떤 요소'에 기여하는지를 생각해보시면 좋을 것 같아요. 실력이 갖춰져 있어야 운이 빛을 발할 수 있다고 표현한 것처럼, 노력을 통해 실력을 길러두면 예상치 못한 기회가 왔을 때, 혹은 문제상황이 생기더라도 실력을 발휘해서 기회나 위기를 자신의 성공으로 바꿀 수 있지요. For example, my brother Max wanted to become an actor since he was in high school. In order to achieve his dream, he practiced acting every day in his school drama club. Not only did practicing he practice acting but he also exercised every day to stay in fit so that he would look nice on the screen. One day, Max's homeroom teacher suggested Max a role in one movie that was directed by his teacher's brother. The director was looking for a young man for the role and asked the teacher to recommend one of the students in the class. Luckily, the teacher chose Max and he got to debut on the screen. Some people might think that Max was very lucky that his homeroom teacher was a brother of a movie director. However, without Max's painstaking efforts, he would not have been able to be realized by his teacher. Thus, Max could use his opportunity well because of his hard work. 적절한 내용의 사례입니다.
On top of this, hard work works never betrays. betray. If one works really hard in one field, he will be able to use that ability in some way when he gets to work in that field. On the other hand, if one gets to the high position with only luck but not without effort, he will not be able to sustain that position if he does not have the right ability for that place. body1과 내용의 차이점을 모르겠습니다. 좀 더 내용이 구분되도록 이 문단의 idea도 발전시켜서 구체화해주세요. 성공에는 성공적인 목표 달성 이후에 그것을 계속 '유지'하는 것도 중요한데, 운으로 이룬 성과는 쉽게 무너지지만 노력으로 일군 성과는 무너지기 어렵다는 점을 잘 보여줄 수 있게끔 보완하시면 좋겠습니다. For instance, my neighbor Mark worked for one of the top ten trade companies in the world. Everyone including him knew that he was recruited by that company for luck because he did not study foreign language hard. However the problem was that after he was recruited, he could not work efficiently since he lacked the ability to speak in variety of languages. Realizing his lack of ability, his boss fired him since he could not successfully do the work. This indicates that although one might encounter luck that seems to lead success, if there is no hard work, the luck will just flow away. Thus, luck is no use if there is no effort. 마찬가지로 사례 내용은 좋습니다. main idea와 설명 내용만 강화해주시면 될 것 같아요^^
Due to the fact that efforts are the base of every success and that hard work never betrays, betray, luck is not a feature that determines determine one's success.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair (17–23)
기본적인 내용의 방향 자체는 모두 적절합니다. 피상적인 표현보다 더 구체적인 표현이 되게끔 다듬어주시면 충분히 좋은 점수 받으실 수 있을 거예요^^ 아예 다른 idea를 생각하시기 보다 현재 쓰신 내용을 improve하는 형태로 보완해보시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!