*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요.
There has been an argument regarding the issue of whether a teacher's ability to relate well with students is more important than the ability to give knowledge. Some people maintain that it is more important. it이 무엇인지 나와있지 않으니 수정해주세요. However, from my perspective, a teacher's ability to provide information to students is more crucial. In this essay, i will present two reasons to support my idea.
깔끔한 서론입니다.
To begin with, the primary role of a teacher is to educate the students and provide them knowledge which they need to learn. <그렇기 때문에 give knowledge 하는 perspective가 더 중요한 것은 당연하다.> 라고 덧붙여 주면 훨씬 명확한 thesis가 될 것 같네요. By and large, teachers who are able to give students a high quality information is likely to have a greater impact on students future success. 주장은 reasonable합니다. 그런데 <왜, 어떻게> 이것이 가능한지에 대한 설명이 필요합니다. 바로 사례를 제시하기 전에 주장을 뒷받침해주는 논리적인 설명을 2-4문장 정도 더 보완해주세요. 예시에 언급된 것 처럼 more informative한 선생님들이 적성 및 진로 탐색과 같은 중요한 결정들에 영향을 줄 수 있다는 식으로 설명해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. For example, the teacher who influenced me the most was my math teacher in high school. Although i I failed to build a personal relationship with him as he was very serious and did not enjoy personal conversations. I was able to find math very interesting and easy for me. His guidelines and assistances inspired me to major in engineering. Without his professional and serious teaching style, i I would have failed in math and would not have been become a successful engineer like now. 본론의 thesis statement가 요지와 다릅니다. thesis는 <가르치는 것이 교사의 본래 역할이기 때문에>이지만, 본론의 내용은 <학생들에게 더 큰 영향을 줄 수 있기 때문에?> 인데 두 진술 가운데 공통되는 부분이 없습니다. 하나의 본론은 하나의 요지만 설명해야합니다.
Moreover, teachers need to stress professionalism over intimacy in order to create a proper studying environment for students. 좋은 thesis statement 입니다. 논리 전개도 잘 해주신 것 같네요 :) Generally, teachers who become too close with their students eventually impede their learning. This is due to the fact that students do not respect the teachers and consider them as their friends. In the end, the classroom atmosphere is ruined by the friend-like relationship between the teacher and the students. For instance, my class teach teacher in primary elementary school used to focus on building up friendly class environment by joking around with us and telling us exciting stories. In the beginning, many of us enjoyed her lessons but we then realized that she was wasting too much time. Consequently, half of the class could not pass the final exam and could not advance into middle school.
In a nutshell, my contention is that the main duty of a teacher is to distribute knowledge to students which are necessary for future achievement and teachers should keep their authority over the class to maintain an effective scholarly surroundings. In this regard, i strongly believe that the teacher's capacity to disseminate necessary information to students is more important than to empathize with students. I 는 문장 앞에 오던 중간에 오던 항상 대문자로 써주셔야 한다는 것을 기억해주세요.!!
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair-Good (20-24)
idea들은 기본적으로 좋은 것 같은데 특히 본론1과 같은 경우 논리의 전개가 전혀 진행되지 않고 있습니다. 설명을 구성할 때는 "왜, 어떻게 그것이 가능한지" - "이것이 중요하다는 점 강조" 형태로 내용을 생각해보면 쉽게 논리 조직이 가능합니다. 전반적으로 읽기 수월했던 깔끔한 글입니다. 사소한 문법오류나 오타류를 줄이기 위해 꼼꼼히 살펴봐주세요. 수고하셧습니다.^^