Being happy with a job is more important than having a high salary.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
First of all, money can’t buy happiness. If one is unhappy, making a lot of money isn’t enough to live well. Of course, money is really important to maintain the life. But most people who have decent, high-salary jobs are likely to find themselves stuck in unanticipated bad condition. The problems that they have could have a bad impact on their other aspects of life, and in the end, they could make them unhappy. For example, my older brother always wanted want to be a great author. Because not only He felt a variety of emotions while reading the books of famous authors, but also and he had has inborn aptitude to write an essay, literature, and poem. He said to our family that whenever he wrote write something, he felt catharsis and made his dream to make people feel happy as they read his own works, someday. But my parents wanted him to get a high-paying job to live without concerning about economic problems. After parents had purshuaded him over and over, he reluctantly took an exam and eventually had a decent job as an administrative executor. But whenever he returned home from the work to home, he was very tired and he often skipped skip the dinner with family and just went to his room and took a sleep every day. And even, he got physical sickness because of his stressful days in his job. In the end, he quit his job and followed his own dream-to be an author. He interviewed in a company in which he could freely write a book for children and interviewers evaluated evaluate that he had has a creative thinking to write and let him work in the company. Now, whenever he comes to home, he looks really happy and really enjoyed working in the work. 사례 내용이 필요 이상으로 깁니다. 꼭 필요한 요소들만 남겨두고 정리해서 두 body분량의 균형이 맞도록 해주세요.
On top of that, if people choose the job that they could do with anxiety and passion, they could have more chances to succeed. success. This is because people who took the a job following their own dream would give more effort to their work than others who took the job just hoping to be being paid a lot. Although some people think that money is the best motivator to work hard, there is nothing to be compared with the consequence pursuing their own dream. The best example of this is Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computer Company. He had many passion to revolutionize the world through computers. So he was dedicated to making computer putting parts together in his garage night and day. Due to his enthusiasm, he could change the world and was ranked as a top five richest people in the world. Also, he gained a lot of respects from contemporary people. If he had not found his calling, he couldn’t have as succeeded as much as he success in his life. 자신이 좋아하는 일을 하면 더 열심히 하는데->이것이 왜 성공과 관련이 있는지를 짚어주어야 합니다. 더 열심히 한다고 무조건 성공할 수 있다는 논리는 반론의 여지가 많지요. 자신이 좋아하는 일을 하면, 또는 자신의 일이 만족스러우면 '왜' 개인적인 성공이 동반되는지를 좀 더 논리적으로 풀어주시면 좋을 것 같아요.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair - Good (21–25)
(실전 시험에서는 서론+결론 만들어주세요)전반적인 내용 구성이나 idea들은 좋습니다. 다만 idea에 대한 설명 논리가 빈약하고 사례 내용이 필요 이상으로 길어진 부분들이 설득력을 떨어뜨릴 수 있습니다. 사례는 말 그대로 내 주장이 실제로 맞다는 것을 보여주는 부분일 뿐 가장 중요한 것은 내 주장을 얼마나 '논리적으로' 풀어내는가 하는 부분에 있지요. 과하게 내용을 덧붙여서 분량을 만들기보다 main idea문장/ 그에 대한 설명 3-5문장 정도 / 관련 사례 3-5문장 정도의 기준을 정해두고 시간배분 하시면서 간결한 <단계적 설명>에 초점을 둔다면 좋을 것 같습니다. 첨삭이 너무 늦어져 죄송합니다. 시험 좋은 결과 있으실 거예요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!