Young people enjoy life more than older people.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
First of all, because young people are usually healthier more healthy than elder people, they could have the more chances to enjoy their life. This Health gives them broader more broad extent of choice to seek for happiness. In other words, if people are not healthy, they scarcely enjoy their life completely. 건강해야 인생을 더 즐길 수 있는 이유에 대한 설명이 필요합니다. 건강하면 즐길 수 있는 outdoor activity가 많고 근심이 적어서 인생을 즐겁게 보낼 수 있다, 하는 정도의 설명만 보완되어도 논리가 더 탄탄해질 수 있지요. For example, my grandfather was the most a healthy person in his youth period and often enjoyed hiking mountains. Although he spent spend a lot of time enjoying to enjoy his leisure time, he couldn’t go to the mountains today because that kind of activity need more energy than that of grandfather. My grandfather always misses his past hiking to the Himalayas in Nepal and encourages me to experience and enjoy anything that I could do and want to do when I am healthy and energetic in youth. According to the survey conducted by the KSC, Korean Statistical Center in South Korea, 90% of old older people whose ages are above 60, they really want to go back to their youth period because their health is not good now and as a result they couldn’t enjoy the life completely. As this survey indicates, young people are lucky to enjoy their life best. 적절한 사례 내용입니다.
On top of that, young people have fewer responsibilities than older people. As people age, it burdens them people have to raise their children and maintain the job. These kinds kind of concerns could limit their behavior, and accordingly, could have a bad impact on their enjoying the life freely. Whereas, On the other hand, young people who have has no responsibility could endeavor to enjoy their life fully as they want. 책임져야 할 것들이 많아서 제한이 있다는 점, 젊은 세대는 그런 것들이 상대적으로 적기 때문에 인생을 잘 즐길 수 있다는 점이 잘 연결되어 있습니다. 이 때 바쁜 업무에 매여서 시간이 없고/가족들을 돌봐야 하기 때문에 충분히 돈을 사용할 수 없고, 하는 식으로 구체적인 내용을 보여주면 좀 더 명확한 설명이 가능할 것 같습니다. For example, my older brother who married 5 years ago and has 2 children could not let the one week off at all. Of course, he enjoyed his life freely when his age was is 23. However, because he has many responsibilities as a father, a husband, and a businessman dealing with many problems related to his babies and work, he couldn’t rest well. Whereas, On the contrary, I have no responsibilities that I have to do. So whenever I want to trip, I could pack my luggage and could go to anywhere without feeling of guilty. Last summer vacation, I went Europe alone for two months. I had many cuisines and took a picture in front of famous places, and met many diverse people with different background cultures in Italy, France, and England. From this experience, I could relieve my stress from the heavy load of school work and could rest well. Also, I could raise my horizon and broaden my perspectives. When I called to my brother in Europe, he envied my so much. If I were a businessman life like him, I couldn’t have had such a free trip to Europe. 마찬가지로 사례 내용이 필요 이상으로 깁니다. 내가 사례를 통해 증명할 부분은 '나이 많은 사람들이 책임질 것이 많아 인생을 잘 즐기지 못한다'라는 부분이므로 이 부분을 보여주기 위한 부분들만 잘 살려주면 됩니다. 예를 들어 내가 여행을 통해 많은 문화를 경험해서 시야가 넓어졌다는 부분은 enjoy life와는 직접적인 관계가 없으므로 불필요한 부분에 해당합니다.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair - Good (22–27)
전반적인 내용 구성이나 idea들은 좋습니다. 사례에서 불필요하게 구체적인 내용이들어가거나 논리가 빈약한 부분들 보완해주세요. 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!