People listen to music for different reasons and at different times. Why is music important to many people? Use specific reasons and examples to support your choice.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
An intriguing topic of discussion at hand is why the music is important to us. The answer to this question can vary greatly depending on the individual perspectives. Thus, the jury may still be out, but as far as I’m concerned, its advantage is to help us to gain energy to achieve our goals successfully. In this essay, I will present two reasons supporting my standpoint as follows.
First, the sound of the music helps us to make better results in our study or projects. Sometimes, people’ emotion can be varied from sadness to happiness depending on the sound they hear. It is especially helpful for our study or work when we listen to bright or exciting music because it makes our feeling better and we can have new energy to do that. 적절한 주장과 설명입니다. For example, when I took a leader of a project in economy class last year, I invited all members of my group to my home every weekend weekends to do work together. At first, we felt difficult to suggest any opinions or communicate with others because the atmosphere among us was too dark to do something. Thus, in order to reduce tension among us I prepared bright dance music for them whenever we have meeting, which was very useful in making that we us become became closer to each other. closed. It is sure that all members felt easy to do work after that. 마지막 부분에서 사람들이 음악 덕분에 가까워졌다는 내용은 동기를 부여해주고 의욕을 높여준다는 주장과 논점이 다릅니다. 문단 내용이 일관성을 가질 수 있도록 수정해주세요.
In addition, the lyrics of the music give us the strength to overcome the hardship we meet . In in our life. Since many singers write the lyrics of their songs based on their real experiences, we are easily able to sympathize with it. If they talk that we can do that and the difficulty is nothing in their songs, the listeners will apply it to their life and find the hope from them. 가사를 삶에 적용시키면 도움이 된다는 식으로 적용 범위를 좁히기보다, 포괄적으로 적용할 수 있는 설명으로 대신해주면 좋을 것 같아요. 노랫말도 문학작품과 같은 역할을 해서 사람들이 많은 생각을 해보고 위로를 얻거나 교훈을 얻게 해준다거나 하는 식으로요. The Runner, (제목이니까 대문자로 살려서 써 주세요) one of old and famous Korean songs was the one to give energy to me whenever I met difficulties in my life. The most impressive word of its lyrics it was that we can take a rest for a long time after finishing work. works. It looks very simple word but it was big comfort to me because I could expect the end of my study by listening to it. By memorizing that word every moment, I was likely to finish my study well without giving up it. 사례 내용이 주장과 관련해 어떤 함의를 갖는지 설명해서 마무리해주세요. "이처럼 음악은 사람들의 에너지를 복돋우는 역할을 하니 중요하다."하는 식으로 논지를 강조해주면 글의 완결성을 높이는 데 도움이 됩니다. / body1과 내용이 뚜렷하게 구분되도록 각 문단을 다듬어주세요. 둘 다 어떤 의욕을 준다는 식으로 연결되기 때문에 비슷하게 느껴질 수 있습니다.
In conclusion, I strongly argue for my standpoint on account of the two reasons mentioned above. Once again, although the verdict may still be out, I personally believe that two of my rationales above are sufficiently convincing enough to represent the viewpoint of a majority of people who are in favor of my claim.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair (17–22)
논점이 불분명하거나 설명이 아쉬운 부분들을 체크하셔서 수정 · 보완해주세요. 두 문단의 내용이 명확하게 구분되도록 하는 것도 중요합니다. 문단의 unity와 논제와의 coherence가 잘 드러나도록 해주시면 충분히 더 좋은 점수도 가능하실 거예요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!