At university, students get as much benefit from participating in student organizations or club activities as from doing their academic studies
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Nowadays, there are many club activities in university. So, students often engage engaged in club activities. Some people argue that doing their academic studies has more benefits beneficial than joining club activities. However, I firmly believe that students get as much as benefit from particiapting in club activites or student organizations as from doing their studies. This is because students can learn a sense of responsibilty and how to deal with stress.
To begin with, participating in school activities allows people to improve a sense of responsibility. This is due to the fact that joining in school activities such as playing sports or volunteer club requires many obligations, such as abiding by rules and cooperating with others. Through this consequence that arises from their negligent actions, *앞문장에 규칙을 지키지 않는다는 내용이 없기 때문에 '이처럼 규칙을 지키지 않아서 발생하는 결과들을 통해'라는 표현은 부자연스럽습니다. 단체활동을 통해 지켜야 하는 여러 사항들을 통해 협동심과 책임감을 배운다, 하는 식으로만 연결해도 충분합니다. they can lean the importance of obligations. 적절한 idea와 내용 설명입니다. 다른 사람들과 협동하며 어울리는 방법을 배우고 사회의 rule을 지키는 방식을 배우는 것이니 책임감보다는 social skill을 배울 수 있다는 식으로 풀어도 자연스러울 것 같아요. For example, my older brother used to be very lazy and selfish. He has changed little by little after he started playing in base-ball club. he realized that his laziness could negatively affect other members by delaying every step to win a victory. Naturally, he became more punctual, played his part well, and even encouraged other members who seemed to be goofing around. 주장을 뒷받침하기에 알맞은 내용의 사례입니다. 이러한 사례가 주장과 관련해서 어떤 점을 보여주는지 해석하는 문장을 덧붙여서 문단 마무리지어주세요. (ex.이처럼 단체활동은 academic activities에서 쉽게 배울 수 없는 책임감을 길러준다.) 단순히 관련 사례를 제시하기만 하고 마무리하는 것보다 '이처럼 정말로 내 주장이 맞다'는 식으로 논지를 한 번 더 강조하며 문단을 마무리짓는 편이 설득력과 전달력을 높이는 데 도움이 됩니다.
In addition, joining club activities enables students to learn to deal with their stress. Since students can share their feelings with club members by doing club activities, club activities can distract people from their worries and stress. Thus, this simple and quick escape from the reality may actually serve as an a effective way to let off some steam as well as to recharge energy. According to the Ministry of Education of Korea in 2010, there was a big difference between two groups of students in managing their stress. Students in Group A who spent four hours a week on average participating in club activities were more satisfied with their lives than those in group B who rarely engaged in joining club activities or student organizations. organization. In contrast, students in Group B were involved in dangerous activities, such as drinking, smoking, and stealing to cope with their stress. This implies that participating in club activities serves serve as a safe and effective way to let out frustration and stress. 모델에세이가 적절하게 응용된 body입니다. idea와 사례 내용 흐름이 논제와의 연관성을 잘 보여줄 수 있는 방향으로 잘 응용되어 있습니다.
All things considered, I strongly believe that joining club activities or student organizations organization has equally equal good effects, compared with doing studies. This is because students cannot learn responsibility and how to deal dealing with their stress by just doing their academic studies. We should not underestimate the positive impact of joining club activities. It can kill two birds with one stone.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Good (24–30)
논제에 대한 이해도가 높고 적절한 답안이 되도록 모델에세이를 잘 응용한 글입니다. 실전에서도 충분히 good level대 점수 받으실 수 있을 거예요^^ 몇가지 보완할 수 있는 부분들 코멘트 참고해주세요. 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!