*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
I've seen or heard about people that do not have to work because of their formidable amount of money they inherited, and ostensibly, their lives were almost something that would exist in my imaginary world: having a swimming pool in their house and owning hundreds of bank accounts. In fact, what I felt was not jealousy, but mere curiosity about how they would feel not having an occupation and keeping* keep spending money. 직업없이 & 돈만 쓰면 기분이 어떨까, 하는 흐름이니까 not having and keeping으로 연결하는 게 자연스러울 것 같아요^^ At last, I figured out that it wouldn't be so happy living with enough money without a job.
First of all, living without pleasure that comes from the meaningfulness of working would be unfortunate. People can feel happiness in various situations at workplace. One would feel proud of himself with the thought of being a productive and helpful member of the society. If the occupation is also fit* fits with one’s aptitude, the pleasure will grow even more. (*be fit with ~와 잘 맞다) In addition, the relationships between colleagues companions may sometimes be stressful, but building these new relationships would be beneficial for his life, too. 직업에서 오는 다양한 positive feeling와 관련된 내용이므로 '이익이 된다'는 표현보다 feeling of strong bond, feeling warmhearted 등 구체적인 표현으로 내용을 명확하게 보여주는 편이 좋습니다. Likewise, having a job can make a person’s life more meaningful and at the same time, joyful. Therefore, I would dare call the lives of people who have enough money to lay idly, vain. 직업을 통해 얻어지는 다양한 감정들이 삶을 즐겁게 해 준다는 논리나 이를 통해 일하지 않으면 돈이 많아도 즐겁지 않을 것이라는 결론으로 연결한 부분이 좋습니다. 내용을 뒷받침해줄 수 있는 간단한 사례를 보완해주세요. 예를 들어 할아버지가 은퇴하신 후에 충분한 노후자금이 있는데도 허무해하시고 직장다니던 시절을 그리워하시더라, 하는 식으로 간단하게 비교해줄 수 있지요.
Furthermore, working makes free time more enjoyable and meaningful. Whatever the action is, a person would feel tedious when something is repeated interminably. This is the reason why people try to find balance between work and leisure- to refresh oneself and not to feel tedium in life. Time distributed appropriately to both activities, one could make his life more prolific by concentrating every time. However, those living in financial abundance without a job could never find the true meanings and effects of having free time. 적절한 idea와 설명입니다. 'balance'나 반복되는 일이 지루하게 느껴진다는 점이 전제사항으로 제시되어서 전하고자 하는 내용이 분명해졌습니다. 논리 설명을 정말 잘 보완하셨네요^^ Actually, when I got my vacation, I played a computer game that I had had no chance to play during semester. However, after playing it relentlessly for a few days without working or studying, playing the game was rather boring than intriguing. I found out later that playing the game is more enjoyable after doing something productive for some time. 적절한 내용의 사례입니다. '이처럼 일과 휴식의 적절한 배분이 더 큰 즐거움을 가져올 수 있다'하는 식의 해석을 덧붙여서 문단 마무리지어주세요.
To sum up, working can give lots of pleasure to a person and also, it helps us really enjoy leisure. For these reasons, I belive those people who live with enough money to spend and hence don't work wouldn't be as happy as we, average people are.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Good (24–25)
논제에 대한 이해도가 높고 idea를 논리적으로 잘 풀어냈다는 점이 좋습니다. 코멘트한 부분들을 잘 반영해주신 것 같아요. 현재 전반적인 흐름이나 설명 내용들은 적절하니 문법오류 체크해주시고, body1의 예증자료부분과 body2의 마무리부분도 신경써주시면 좋을 것 같아요^^ 코멘트 참고해서 검토해주세요. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!