Holidays are rather based on the characteristics of the nations and ~~~~. Although there are common holidays which every countries celebrate such as Thanksgiving( mention two or more ), every country serve it in a different way at different date. So it is rather correct to say holidays are determined relying on culture of each country.(good point, good start but too short, intro 부분이 너무 간략하고 짧습니다. Intro 부분을 좀 더 broad하게 시작해 주세요 )
(start next paragraph) If I was given a chance to fix Holiday in my country, it would be celebrating Queen Myeong sung who was killed by Japanese generals and outlaws without any warnings to Korea when Korea was cononlized by Japan.( 두문장으로 나눠서 써보세요 ) Queen Myeang Sung was also well known for trying to receive new technology from other world.outside of korea During the time when she was breathing????( in charge ), she tried to accept the original technologies from industrialized countries such as UK,Russia and so on. However, Koreans at that time were afraid of losing their own traditions made her idea useless. If her thought was accepted earlier, Korea might not have become the colony of the Japan. The Holiday will let people remember the sorrow of being the weak country since she was killed by Japanese. If Korea was stronger than Japan at that time she might have not met death like that. Also it will show people the importance of accepting new culture while keeping one's own culture. Since not all holidays are happy,I chose her to be celebrated in my holidays. The holiday I chose is somehow similar to the remembrance day. People feel gloomy about the person who died but they have chance to recollect what the person was like. (접속사가 필요합니다)
I hope to celebrate the Queen Myeongsung by opening a contest. Since she was the symbol of the revolution or the open mind to new culture, the goverment could make contest. ( conclusion부분 ?.. 문장을 정리해 주는건 좋지만 너무 끝나는 느낌이 .. conclusion으로 이어 질 수 있게 문장을 정리 )
The contest could be what system might be useful in our country if adopted from other country. By opening the contest people are more likely to have interest of improving the nation by trying to adopt the system that falls good on Korea. Another way of celebrating is by reviving her funeral or adapting her death into musical or movies. By reviving her funeral, Korean can remeber what is it like being the weak country. This will show people importance of country and lead them to be much more patriotic. Since a lot of people seperate themselves from the nation and consider their freedom the most important things, they often forgot the significance of country. This Holiday will however show people, each individuals is nothing without the country. And by reviving the funeral or showing people the movie or musical related to it, people will be naturally be thank to country they are living in. ( please divide your paragraphs...)
- 문제점 : 단락 나누는 것이 가장 필요 합니다/ 좀 더 논리 적으로 보일 수 있게 문단을 구분 해주세요.
- 다양한 구문 연습, 문법 연습 으로 에세이가 좀 더 완성 되 어 보일 수 있게
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair (17–23)
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