Some people might argue that people do not have to try several different jobs before getting a long-term job. However, as far as I am concerned, I totally think that people should experience jobs as much as possible they can.( 두가지 주제를( 바디의 주제들) sum-up할 수 있는 것 들로 문장을 구성해보세요 to do what? ) There are two reasons for my opinion. First, people can broad their horizon through the experience of several jobs. Second, if people try many professions, finally they can choose the most favorite jobs thet they prefer. ( 정돈된 intro very good )
To begin with, trying several different working can teach people to broaden their veiw. Generally, when people work in the same company, they could not improve their horizon. In other words, if people experience a lot of jobs, they can experience lots of different works and they can meet various people who have different thoughts.( and it gives you? ) For example, when I was in global communication company, I met lots of people from diverse countries. At that time, I met an african( you do not say african Afrian American) , we talked about a wide range of topics and there are some gap of ides between us. Through that communication, I could learn about thoughts from another. Therefore, I think that experiencing various professions can expand people's outlook and horizon. ( 예시가 적절치 못합니다. 더 구체적으로 )
In addition, if people broaden their view through multiple workings, they also can choose their final job which is the best suited. ( good point ) To illustrate, you can find your real aptitude through working several jobs. For example, I was an editor in the fashion magazine company last year. At the first time, I feel happy about that I accomplished my dream. But, as time goes by, I feel tired more and more when I was working. So I changed my job to marketer within the researching company. Then I felt this job is more suitable suited for me. Eventually, I found my real aptitude. Thus, I think people should try lots of jobs for finding their real ability.
To sum up, I firmly believe that people have to try various jobs in order to improve their global outlook and finally dertermine the best suited job for their future. All in all, the importance of my view cannot be underestimated in that it can kill two birds with one stone for the reasons I mentioned above.( conclusion 2문장 정도 더 ! 써주세요.. 포괄적인 내용을 포함 정리 부탁 )
논제에 대한 이해도가 높고 기본적인 idea들이 적절합니다. 하지만 예시 부분 신경 써주세요
두괄식 문형에 맞게 문단을 구성한 것 좋습니다 하지만 내용 설명을 더 보완하는 방향으로 improve하시면 충분히 더 좋은 점수 받으실 수 있을 거예요^^
구체적으로 논제가 제시하는 키워드와 연결될 수 있도록 풀어서 설명해주세요. conclusion 부분 신경 써 주세요 주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점) 논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task 적절한 설명 appropriate explanation 적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details 일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence 다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety 적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity Writing 0–30 score scale Fair (22-23)
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