It is often said that science technology plays a major role in changing to a better world. There is no question that science technology allows leads people's lives people to live more conveniently in various ways. Yet, after closer inspection, ///////Science technology has a bad influence on people's lives in some cases because most science technology leads to environment pollution and weaken the bonds which ties the people./////// (주제로 이끌어 나가는 문장들이 매끄럽지 않습니다.. so what is the topic?이라고 읽는 사람은 받아 드릴 수 있습니다. topic sentence로 이끌어 나가는 연습을 해주세요)
To begin with, most science technology has generated lots of terrible pollution substances. In modern days, there is no place that the science technology do not exists in our life and most of items are related to science technology. In general, to develop science technology or to utilize those, a lot of resource is required. It could lead to lack of resource. In this regard, environmental problem resulted from science technology is considerabl serious point. Therefore, people should perceive that science technology has an bad influence on their lives. ( 예시 하나를 파고들어 주세요 이건 얕은 지식으로 이래서 이러 하다.. 라는 말 밖에 없습니다. 한가지 예시를 주세요. )
In addition, science technology adverse affects people's bonding. An important reason is that Science technology placing everywhere has already occupied people's entire lives. People are largely reliant on science technology. So they spend most of time using science technology in these days. Thus there are less time to keep relationship with family and friend. This is because people do not focus on their family and friend them. even though, they stay in same place. For example, Study have shown that people from developing countries where relatively lack science technology have more stronger relationship. In contrast, people living in flourishing science technology have a trouble building relationship. This clearly proves that regarding people's bonding, science technology affect negatively. ( 첫번째 body 보단 좋으나 역시 concentrate는 되지 않습니다. 좀 더 핵심을 잡고 파고들어 설명하는 연습을 한문장 한문장 씩 해보세요)
In conclusion, Science technology has an bad influence on environmental pollution. Also, as I have mentione
d above, It weakens people's relationship. All things considered, though science technology is widespread in people's entire lives, It is not always affect people in a good way.( 이 문장 너무나 빈약 합니다. body에서 썻었던 것들에 살을 붙혀서 이러한 이유로 bad influence 고 이러한 이유로 weakens peopls bond 다.. 라고 정리해주고 sum-up해 주어야 합니다. 이러이러한 이유가 더 크기 떄문에 내 주장은 이렇다... )
- 단순한 grammar틀리는것 연습해 주세요 - 적절한 예시로 핵심을 파고 들어 설명해주세요 - intro 와 conlcusion을 좀 더 매끄럽게 다듬어 주세요
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점) 논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task 적절한 설명 appropriate explanation 적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details 일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence 다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety 적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale Fair (17–23)
|