Advertising is the main cause of unhealthy eating habits.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
An intriguing topic of discussion at hand is whether advertising is the main cause of unhealthy eating habits. The answer can vary greatly, depending on the individual perspectives. Thus, the jury may still be out, but as far as I am concerned, I agree with the statement. In this essay, I will present two reasons supporting on my standpoint as follows.
To begin with, advertising always shows delicious foods even though they are not healthy food. When people are exposed to expose advertising a certain advertisement about this delicious foods advertisement for a long time, people tend to want this the appealing foods. Consequently, this repeated advertisement frequently allows people to eat more bad foods. And then, it makes people possible to have bad eating habits for people. 광고가 질이 나쁜 음식도 맛있어 보이게 하기 때문에 사람들이 현혹된다는 내용을 더 발전시켜서 광고는 장점을 과장되게 이야기하기 때문에 사람들을 현혹시킨다는 점을 강조하면 좋을 것 같아요. 맛있어보여서 계속 먹는 것이 아니라 '맛있어서' 계속 먹는 경우가 더 많고요. 광고 자체가 사람들의 나쁜 식습관을 조장하는 이유가 될 수 있도록 내용을 더 발전시켜주세요. 광고가 팔고자 하는 상품가치를 과장되게 전달하고 현혹시키기 때문에 사람들이 건강에 대한 부분보다 '맛'이나 '멋'을 더 우선순위에 두게 만든다, 하는 식으로 생각해봐도 좋을 것 같아요. According to a study conducted by Seoul National University of Korea in 2012, people who exposes exposed to more advertisements on foods advertisement do have bad eating habits more than other people. group-group B-who do not affected advertisement and do not have trouble because they know how to manage times and responsibility about their own health habits. Interestingly, the researchers found a link between exposed people and non-exposed people and the research which displays non-exposed people are is more healthier than adversed people. Also, studies pointed out that people who are struggle to advertisement is more mature and better equipped to succeed in their own lives.사례 내용을 응용하시면서 맥락에 맞지 않는 부분들을 잘 추려주세요. 외운 내용을 사용한다는 것이 티나지 않는 편이 좋습니다.
On top of that, if people eat food over watching television, they loss their precious time with their loved ones. This is because advertisements is easy to allure people’s mind. so during While watching advertisement, people do not have enjoyable conversation time with their family and friends. So, advertising enable to advertisements reduce their family time times because they might have dinner time with tempted advertisements. And then, this makes people have worse eating habits which remove family times. For instance, in the movie “The Dangerous Advertisement of Food” the character Miranda Cue was a successful businesswoman yet a total workaholic, infamous for her dictatorship in the office. Although, She Although she had a high reputation for her competence in the business world, she divorced multiple times and practically lived a lonely life. In fact, her family time was always disturbed by advertisements, because her child always wamted want to watch advertisements and certainly need television, not her. This made makes Miranda very lonely. So, all the money she was earning from her spectacular duties did not make her a truly happy woman. OFF TOPIC '광고'가 '식습관'에 미치는 영향에 대해 묻는 문제입니다. tv를 보면서 음식을 먹는 것은 '광고'와 직접적인 관련이 없고, '소중한 사람들과의 시간'역시 '식습관'과 직접적인 관련이 없습니다. 적합한 답변이 생각나지 않는다면 BODY1을 더 구체적으로 구성해서 하나의 본론만으로 완성하는 편이 낫습니다. OFF-TOPIC은 여러모로 큰 감점요인이 됩니다. 논제가 묻는 내용을 다시 체크해보시고 적절한 답변을 더 생각해보셔도 좋을 것 같아요. 현재 사용하신 사례 내용은 '돈이 행복을 보장해주지 않는다' / '직장에서 보내는 시간은 행복을 보장해줄 수 없다' / '진정한 행복은 사랑하는 사람들과의 시간에서 나온다' 등의 idea에 활용해주세요.
In conclusion, I strongly agree with the statement that advertising is the main cause of unhealthy eating habits for the reasons I mentioned above. Once again, although the verdict may still be out, I personally believe that two of my rationales above are sufficiently convincing enough to represent the viewpoints of a majority of people who are in favor of my claim.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (16–19)
off-topic의 답변이 되지 않도록 논제가 묻는 내용을 꼼꼼히 체크해주세요. body1의 내용을 더 발전시켜서 '광고'가 '잘못된 식습관'의 직접적인 원인이 될 수 있다는 점이 드러나게끔 해보셔도 좋을 것 같습니다^^ 계속해서 여러 유형의 모델에세이로 여러 문제에 적용하면서 연습해주세요. 직접 써 주신 부분들에서도 실력 향상이 조금씩 보이는 것 같습니다^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!