It is evident that in our current society decision has a tremendous importance in our lives. Some people think that people should make a decision with a long time while others do not. I believe that people should make a decision with a long time. There are several reasons that I could discuss to support my argument so I will limit my discussion to the two that I feel are the most important to the topic; One is the concepts of stress and the other one is efficiency. ( 주제문장에서 불필요한 문구는 빼는게 좋습니다. intro 전개 잘 하 셨어요)
First of all, the most important reason for my thinking this way is that people are too stressed out because of the tremendous workload they have to cope with. Most often, stress is closely related to and often leads to anxiety. Thus, it can be said that the decisions that people make quickly are always wrong because they will get additional stress. This reminds me of time when I was in the Hanyang university. I struggled from stress because I made a decision too quickly. I have to decide many assignments in organic chemistry team project. Whenever I made a decision quickly, all decisions led to fail and gave me bad grade. I received so much stress that I could not sleep for 2 months due to insomnia. I received too much pressure from deciding quickly. A doctor said I have to relieve stress by getting rid of making a decision quickly. As this experiences shows that people should not make a decision quickly because of stress. ( good, 그러나 example의 집중도 는 떨어 집니다. 좀 더 stress와 make a decision과의 연계성을 다시 한번 생각해보세요 )
Second, another reason which proves my point is that people can use time more effectively. It is imperative that people always allocate time wisely in everyday. If people make a decision with a long time, they will make the most of time. Take my best friend Tom, for example. It was very efficient when he did not make decisions quickly. It took 8 hours for me to finish my assignments in Physical Chemistry. In contrast, Tom only spent 5 hours to finish his assignments when he did the same thing with me. Unlike me who made decision to finish my assignments, he considered many method to finish his assignment fast. He spent much time to find out the reference such as solutions and the opinion of proffssor. On the other hand, I made a lot of mistakes and my plan was not well organized because I made decisions too quickly. This experience clearly shows that people should make decisions with a long time because of efficiency,
- 글의 ( body1,2)의 구성도는 좋습니다. 두괄식도 좋습니다. 하지만 좀더 짜임새 있게 쓰는 연습을 해주세요.
As all things considered, with reasons mentioned above, ( 멘션 한거를 나열 하면서 주장을 정리해주어야 합니다,/conclusion의 부분 ) I believe that I have sufficiently and adequately explained my position on the matters regarding this topic ( ( you do not need this sentece)
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점) 논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task 적절한 설명 appropriate explanation 적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details 일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence 다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety 적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity Writing 0–30 score scale Limited - Fair (16–22)
논제에 대한 이해도가 높고, 나의 입장을 뒷받침하기 위한 각 문단의 idea가 적절합니다. 다만 그 idea에 대한 supporting이 부족하고 conclusion부분을 다듬어야 합니다.
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