Hard work has more to do with success than luck does.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
An intriguing topic of discussion at hand is whether hard work has more to do with success than luck does. The answer to this question can vary greatly depending on individuals’ perspectives. Thus, the jury may still be out. As far as I am concerned, I am in complete agreement with the statement that hard work has greater influence on achieving success than luck does for two major reasons as follows.
To begin with, hard work enables people not to get affected by unanticipated circumstances. This is because in the process that people strive to hone their skills, they are able to get know-how in various kinds of situations. Based on valuable experiences gained by making thousands of mistakes, hard workers do not get panic even in unpredicted difficult situations and figure out the solutions calmly and smoothly. 상황대처능력이 생겨서 성공할 가능성이 높아진다는 설명이 잘 연결되어 있습니다. 논제와의 coherence를 높일 수 있도록 어려운 상황들을 극복하고 잘 대처하는 것이 '성공'에 필수적이라는 점을 강조하는 것도 좋을 것 같아요. The prime example to illustrate this point is the success story of Yuna Kim who is a world-famous figure skater. According to the interview record reported by Korean National Broadcasting Station, Yuna Kim said that the most significant reason why she could take first places in many international competitions was is because of her arduous and persistent practices. It was is also reported that she did was not confused and nervous even when she made a mistake because she knew very well how to figure the situation out. This clearly proves that hard work plays an important role when it comes to success. 적절한 내용의 사례입니다.
Moreover, it is much easier for people who are well prepared through hard work to take good opportunities for success. This is attributed to the fact that when people recognize one’s persistency and willingness to work hard around them, people naturally want to give him or her a valuable chance. '주변 사람들이 주는 기회'로만 '기회'라는 개념을 한정짓는다는 느낌이 듭니다. 열심히 하는 사람들이 기회를 더 많이 얻게 된다는 점을 더 설명해주세요. 자신이 성공하고자 하는 분야에서 열심히 하다보면 그 분야를 더 깊이 파게 되고 기회에 대한 정보도 그만큼 더 많이 알게 되겠지요. To take my personal experience in my previous workplace for example, when I just started to work as a newbie, I was so passionate to deal with my duties and did not hesitate to do overtime work to complete my tasks perfectly. My boss recognized my endeavor and assigned gave me a huge project even though I was just a new employee. By leading this project successfully, I was able to get promoted to the higher position. If I had been negligent and done work hard, I would not have been able to get the chance to take an important project. As seen in this case, people can take a good chance by working hard. 논제가 노력과 운에 대해 질문하고 있으므로 사례 내용에서 '운'과 관련된 부분이 드러나도 좋을 것 같아요. 내가 단순히 행운이 오기만 바라면서 믿고 열심히 하지 않았더라면 이런 기회는 없었을 것이다, 하는 정도로 간단하게 언급해도 논제와의 연관성을 높일 수 있지요.
As the popular saying goes, heaven helps those who help themselves. Like this, I firmly believe that hard work has greater influence on success than luck on account of two reasons mentioned above.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Good (24–29)
논제에 대한 이해도가 높고 전반적인 글의 흐름이 매끄럽게 연결되어 있습니다. 강조할 부분들, 몇 가지 minor한 문법 오류들만 체크하시면 될 것 같아요^^ 실전에서도 원하는 점수 받으실 수 있도록 차분하게 연습하듯이 집중하면서 풀이하시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!