In today’s globalized society, it is widely believed that young generation enjoys life more than elderly. Some people advocates that young people do not have enough time to spend enjoy their life. However, I disagree with this view. I strongly assert young people enjoy life more than older people. There are two reasons why I feel this way. First reason is that young people can adapt a world transition than older people and another reason is that physically, they have more broad area that they can enjoy. -> globalized society 가 언급된 후 문단 내에서 globalized society 가 어떤 이유로 young generation 이 더 삶을 즐기게 하는지가 들어났으면 해요. 또한 globalized society 가 제시하신 두 이유를 어떤 식으로 포괄하고 있는지도 나와야 할 것 같습니다.
First of all, young generation can get used to change the world. This is because in today’s society, technology has a simultaneous role such as smart phone, internet banking, and google on the internet. ->두 문장간의 개연성이 떨어집니다. Let’s take my personal experience. Few years ago, The Smart phone has launched -> launched in the world. But I don’t have-> didn't have interest of state-of-the-art technology, so I didn’t use it. Even my mother uses-> used the smart phone. But she has-> had a problem to using the new technology. There are-> were too many buttons, application. So she just gave me smart phone. After having smart phone, my life just has changed (스마트폰으로 인해 변해왔고 지금도 변하고 있는 것을 꼭!! 강조하고자 하신다면 쓸 수는 있겠지만, changed, 과거형, 이 혼돈을 줄이는 시제일 것 같아요.) ; I don’t -> didn't need to waste time to waiting bus that (that 도 무관하긴 하나 which 로 사용해주는 것이 더 좋아요) doesn’t know when they arrived (버스가 자신이 언제 도착할지 모르는건 불가능하지 않을까요?^^ bus which didn't give exact information when would arrive 는 어떨까요?) and I could feel-> felt free to searching-> search internet everywhere. (이 문장은 개별의 문장으로 따로 시작해 이점을 설명하시거나, 빼시는게 나을 것 같아요.) Through this experience, I realized that adapting a new technology make a life more plentiful. Hence, young generation enjoy-> enjoys life more than older people. -> 상대적으로 연세가 드신 어머님과 비교해 young generation 의 습득력을 강조한 것은 좋은 것 같아요 :) 그 이후 young generation 이 세상변화에 더 쉽게 적응할 수 있는게 어떠한 방식으로 삶을 즐기는데 더 유용하거나 이로운지가 더 명확히 들어났으면 좋겠습니다. 문법적으로는 전반적으로 시제가 불일치 해요.
On top of that, young people have energy to enjoy their life. To be specific, if young people and elderly walk same distant of the way, elderly would exhaust quickly-> quicker than young people. For example, according to a study done by the Korea times, the 80% of elderly agreed that if they were-> are younger than now, they will spend time to travel, exercise, together with the family. This is due to the fact that sometimes they have physical problem to move long time such as arthritis, weakness. The study indicated that the younger you are, the easier you can enjoy life. Thus it is legitimate to say that it is better to enjoy their life to young people. -> young pople are better to enjoy their life.
To sum up, it is my belief that young generation spends more time to enjoy life than elderly. As state they can adapt new technology fast and second they have strong stamina generally. Thus I think it is easy to enjoy life to younger people. -> 두번째 와 첫번째 문장의 순서가 바뀌는 것이 더 자연스러울 것 같아요. 이렇게 되면 두번째와 마지막 문장은 같은 의미를 갖고 있기에 마지막 문장은 생략이 가능하겠지요. 또한 문제 자체가 Young people enjoy life more than older people 이므로 young people 이 삶을 즐기는데 시간을 더 쓴다고 하기보다, 삶자체를 언급한 이유를 토대로 더 즐긴다. 라고 작성해주시는게 더 강한 글을 완성시킬 것 같아요 ^^
부족한 첨삭이지만 도움이 되었으면 좋겠습니다 :)