Telephones and email have made communication between people less personal.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Some people may agree with the statement that telephones and email have made communication between people less personal, while . While others do not. The answer to this question can be different depending on the individual's individual perspectives. However, as far as I am concerned, I disagree with the statement for two major reasons as follows.
To begin with, people can cogenial congenially communicate with others due to having communication appliance such as telephones and e-mail. This is because when they have telephones, they can talk with others whenever they want or instantly. Therefore they can communicate with others about personal subject and share their feeling better. After people talked each other and went home each, if they have more want to talk more then they make a phone call and continue their talking about personal affair. 원할 때 언제든지 대화할 수 있는 것과 'personal'한 것의 관련성이 더 잘 드러났으면 좋겠습니다. 자주 커뮤니케이션이 이루어질수록 더 친밀해지고 개인적인 이야기를 주고받을 수 있다, 하는 식으로 연결고리를 보완해볼 수도 있고요. According to a research conducted by Korea University economy institute, 65% surveyed people responded that they prefer telephone to face-to-face communication. They said that making a phone call or text-message is better when they talk privately private and reliable also and they can interact with others instantly instant interaction through telephone. This shows that telephone and e-mail make people enjoy communication personally.
In addition, people tend to use telephones when they talk something like hard to talk directly. People are reluctant to tell something which may make others feel bad even when it is good advice. accept and give advice which makes scratch their mind at once but helpful when they accepted. When someone people give advice in front of someone, him or her, he or she might be hurt and they would close his or her their mind even though the advice is very useful. Therefore the situation later is very rigid and not-personal. In contrast, when people give advice, they can use e-mail and write that why advice is needed and helpful detail then acceter would grad to read them and the advice would be easily accepted advice. Moreover, telephone or e-mail can be useful when people communicate talk about private and vulnerable subject while face-to-face communication is often rejected. 내용이 전달하고자 하는 바가 명확하지 않습니다. 계속해서 마음을 상하게 하는 말은 듣기 싫어한다는 점을 반복해서 설명할 뿐 '왜' 전화나 이메일이 사적인 대화를 더 enhance해주었는지에 대한 연결고리가 부족하기 때문에 설득력이 떨어집니다. 직접적으로 전하기 어려운 말들을 이메일이나 전화를 통해 '간접적으로' 하면 왜 더 편한지를 간단하게 설명하고 이 덕분에 사람들 간의 개인적인 커뮤니케이션이 더 활성화되었다는 점만 보여줄 수 있으면 됩니다. 불필요하게 반복되는 설명이나 관련 없는 내용들을 정리하고 [단계적인 설명]을 보여줄 수 있게끔 다듬어주세요. According to a survey conducted by MBC, one of the Korean republic broadcasting stations, 70 percent of people, among surveyed people responded that they use telephone more than other communication tools way when they talk privately. In the survey of more than a thousand people in the Seoul metro-politan area, the respondents said that they think that telephone is the best item when they communicate talk about things hard to say and seems like keep private personally. This proves that telephone is helpful for people when they communicate privately private and personally.
In conclusion, for the reasons I stated above, I am firmly convinced that telephones and email have made communication between people more personal.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (16–20)
문법 오류가 많아 내용의 전달력이 떨어집니다. 기본적인 수일치, 태, 품사활용, 주술호응 관계 등에 유의하면서 작문해주세요.
논제에 대한 답변이 될 수 있는 연결고리가 부족하고 반복되는 설명이 설득력을 떨어뜨린다는 아쉬움이 있습니다. 내 주장을 설득하는 데 꼭 필요한 내용들로만 문단을 구성하는 연습을 꾸준히 해주세요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!