It is important to know events happening around the world, even if they are unlikely to affect your daily life.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
An intriguing topic of discussion at hand is whether it is important to know events happening around the world, even if they are unlikely to affect my daily life. The answer to this question can vary greatly, depending on the individual perspectives. Thus, the jury may still be out, but as far as I am concerned I agree with the statement. In this essay, I will present two reasons supporting my standpoint as follows.
To begin with, knowing about events about happening around the world allows poor people in the world who are in troubled about waterless problems to help them to get practical assistance. This is because, There are so many people in the world who are really need water just for surviving their own lives. However, in on the other side of the world side, tremendous many people waste precious water routinely, such as washing hands by using too much water, and closing faucet carelessly. So, If these wasting people realized about water problem seriously, they will be able to stop wasting behavior and they even spend their money to rescue pitiful people who suffered from water shortages. Consequently, this will bring about practical help for waterless people. In this sense, there is no doubt that recognizing the world event is the most important worth, even though they are not unlikely impact my daily life in terms of saving many people’s lives in reality. Once again, attending world event is very valuable humanity. 물이 부족한 지구반대편의 사람들이 도움을 받을 수도 있고 사람들이 물을 아껴 쓸 수도 있다는 내용은 '사례'에 가까운 내용입니다. 이 내용을 포괄적으로 설명할 수 있는 논증이 먼저 제시된 뒤에 물부족 관련 내용을 사례로 제시하면 더 설득력 높은 body가 될 수 있습니다.
On top of that, comprehending world events event is the best way to prepare the World War for people who are at war. This is due to the fact that most of people live in busy daily life, so they don’t have time to pay other concerns carefully even to the world events event especially to the World War. On the other hand, there are so many World War had occurred and some of the wars war are occurs still currently underway these days in some countries. 전쟁에 대비할 수 있다는 설명 역시 좀 더 보편적으로 풀어내시면 좋을 것 같아요. 생각보다 세계 곳곳에서 여전히 내전이 벌어지는 곳이 많고, 이것은 그냥 보기에는 우리에게 영향을 미치지 않는 것처럼 보이지만 사실 국제정세나 국내 경제에 많은 영향을 미친다는 것, 세계 동향에 대비해야 삶의 질도 높일 수 있다는 점 등을 풀어내면 좋을 것 같아요. 단순히 '전쟁에 대비할 수 있어 좋다'라는 설명은 사실상 읽는 이에게 쉽게 와닿지는 않지요. For example, my country has divided into two parts, countries, so it is difficult to say that my country is certainly safe now. We sometimes hear heard uncomfortable news of North Korea through news articles or conformed information on the Internet. Unless we don't know events event happening around the world event particularly neared in North Korea, we cannot don’t have to take appropriate action instantly. So, even if these news about events which happening around the world is are unlikely to impact my daily life personality, but it is very significant things by all manner of means over the long run.
In conclusion, I strongly agree with the statement that it is important to know events happening around the world, even if they are unlikely to affect your daily life for the reasons I mentioned above. Once again, although the verdict may still be out, I personally believe that two of my rationales above are sufficiently convincing enough to represent the viewpoints of a majority of people who are in favor of my claim.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (16–20)
계속해서 수일치, 태, 품사활용 등 문법요소 꼼꼼하게 신경쓰면서 작문연습 병행해주세요^^
각 body에서 물부족문제와 전쟁문제라는 대표적인 사례를 하나씩 제시하는 것도 나쁜 방식은 아니지만, 기본적으로 '설득력 높은' 글이 좋은 점수를 받을 수 있으므로 보편적으로 적용될 수 있는 idea가 되도록 내용을 더 고민해보시면 좋을 것 같아요. 어려운 주제지만 종종 출제되는 문제이니 다른 분들이 쓰신 글들이나 모델에세이도 참고해서 내용을 익혀두시면 실전에서도 도움이 될 거예요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!