Some people might think that they do everything with money and these people usually link money to well-being. Thus, they always seek their jobs which give them more money. However, in my opinion, having a high salary is less important than being happy with a job. There are main two reasons I could discuss with to support my idea.
good start! not boring at all. but please be more focus on your topic.
First, pursuing happiness in a job allows people to have physical health. As the old saying goes, a sound body in a sound mind. That means if you have healthy spirit including happiness, you can be physically healthy. This is evidenced by a number of clinical studies that clearly show that being happiness leads older people to maintain their mass of muscles, high density of bones, and strong ligaments. For example, my grandfather was so depressed because he has worked for his unwanted job at the expanse of his physics. He suffered from diabetes, hypertension while working. However, after he retire, he made small café what he really wanted. Gradually, his facial expression could be better because he doesn’t need to worry about going to his terrible company. Surprisingly, his doctor said that he is not depressed any more and his diseases get better. Therefore, if people be feel happy, their physical conditionwill improve their physical condition.
good examples ! and supporting details are good !
Second, By pursuing happiness with a job, it also increases family member’s happiness. This is because people who are likely to think they are happy with a job always give off their positive energy to their family. They always smile and speak in positive ways even if they are so tired. However, People who find a high paying job are likely to unhappy even after they came back to their home because they have to go to their unwanted job tomorrow. For example, my grandfather after he retire unwanted job, he could enjoy enough his time with their family members, talking about their life and hobby with smile face because he was satisfied enough with his coffee shop. In this way, his family members including me could be happier than before. ( same example connected with first pargraph, essay 가연결되보이는 효과가 있습니다. good !)
To sum up, I strongly believe that being happy with a job is more crucial than having a high paying job for two reasons: Physical health and family’s happiness ( conclusion이 너무 짧습니다. Intro와 마찬가지로 좀더 broad하게 주제를 정리시켜 나가야 하고 sum-up해야 할 paragraph입니다. 연습 요함)
- 전체적으로 논제에 맞게 알맞은 example로 support 해나가는것 좋습니다.
- conclusion연습 더 해보세요. 1.2 body에 썻던 주제를 정리해 나가고 글을 마무리 짓는 연습 해주세요.
- 문법들이 겹치는것 최대한 다른 표현으로 써 나가는 연습 해주세요
수고 하셨습니다. !
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Good (24–27)