teacher should not make their social or political views known to students in the classroom.
Opinions might be divided be over whether teachers should not allow students to know their social and political perspective. People from different walk of life may have different stances views on this contentious issue. Personally, I agree the given statement, and there are two reasons that could support validate my position.
First of all, when teacher convey their social or political views to students, the students may easily have a bias thinking about social or political matter. This is because, students get have a great influence by teachers, and they are not enough mature so that they would have no doubt about what teacher’s saying talking. According to a survey conducted by educational 부(교육부), more than 66 percent of the surveyed students responded that they put much trust in what they hear from their teacher in class. In the survey, the respondents said that all they learn from teacher greatly contribute to way of life. This clearly indicates that teachers have powerful impact on students in class or not. ( 문법적 오류 신경써주세요. 그리고 좀 더 매끄럽게 글을 이어가는 연습 해주세요)
Moreover, in all age, teacher’s major role is teaching, to convey attractive knowledge to students. However, if they make their social or political views known to students in the classroom, the class will be impeded. Students have a right to study hard in the classroom, and teachers have a right to honest educate in the classroom. Let me take my experience as an example. When I was in a high school, I respected my social teacher, Mr. Kim. One day, however, he talked about conflicting views and perspectives that day in the classroom. All students were embarrassed and we have prejudiced think about that issue. ( so what? 첫번째와 같이 좀더 detail 하게 그래서 어떻게, 왜, 그런 영향을 받았는지 그래서 왜 안좋게 생각하는지 더 구체적으로 서술 해주세요 )
To sum up, because of the reasons mentioned above, I strongly believe that teacher must not give their social or political views to students in the classroom. ( conlcuion이 너무 짧습니다. 두가지 주제 언급 하셔야 하고 broad하게, 그러면서 매끄럽게 글을 끝내셔야 합니다. conclsuion연습 해주세요 )
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (16–20)
-문법 오류가 많아 내용의 전달력이 떨어집니다. 유의하면서 작문해주세요.
-논제에 대한 답변이 될 수 있는 연결고리가 부족하고 반복되는 설명이 설득력을 떨어뜨린다는 아쉬움이 있습니다.
또한 연결이 매끄럽게 되지 않는 것 때문에 설득력이 떨어 집니다. 한 문장 한 문장씩 연습 해주세요
-수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅