Some people may agree with the statement that students nowdays have to work much harder to succeed than students did in the past. While do not. The answer to this question can be different depending on individual's perspective. However, I think this statement is great idea ( idea란 단어 선택은 좀 어긋납니다. great도 마찬가지구요. 동의 한다 안한다가 더 알맞은 구문이 될수 있겠습니다.) for several reasons as follows.
First of all, as we have seen, with technology innovation, people can approach information and get to knowledge easily. This is because we have internet wire-net all around that we can easily acquire information with a mouse click. Thus we have to arrange various information effectively and understand their own style. Also, the increase number of attending university students and then we have more highly-educated people but limited work position. It brings also students have to work harder than past. According to a survey conducted by the Ministry Education of Korea showed that,in past such as 1950's, there only 30 percent of young citizens attended university, in contrast, currently there is 75 percent of young citizens attend college. Most of young educated by high-educated system, students are much smarter and smarter and they aren't only knowldgeable person that they must work endeavor than our parents period. This proves that young people have to work harder than past. ( example에 포커스가 되지 않습니다. 인터넷 시대.. 그리고 많은 대학생들의 예.연관짓고 포커스 하기 어렵습니다. 포커스 해서 example을 정리해주세요 )
In addition, there is also social atmosphere which accentuate contest. It brings competitiveness to students and foster students work hard in order to survive their competitive. Because common belief is widered that students must have equippment various knowledge and apt abbility manifold work position. According to a research conducted by job market company proved that most of college student felt that hard to get a job, thus they had effort to survive the circumstances. 68 percent of surveyed students said that they spend most of time in library to acquire certificate and study in abroad even though weekend.While their father's period at that time, they did not effort on their study because they were easy to get a job since high-educated people was lower than today. This shows that young people have to work harder than past. ( 첫번째와 마찬가지로.. 예시의 포커스 전달력이 떨어집니다. 논제에는 맞으나 example을 풀어써내려가는 연습을 해보세요. 한문장 한문장씩 써내려가면서 논제와 연관성 얼마나 뒷받침이 되는지.. )
In conclusion, I definitely believe that student nowdays have to work much harder to succeed than students did in the 50's. The rationale behind this is easier approach to information and our social trend. Therefore, I firmly agree with the statement. ( conlcusion이 너무 간략합니다. 주제도 한 문장 보다는 좀더 풀어서 쓰면서 정리해 나가시고 에세이를 정리해 나가는 식으로 conclusion을 써내려 가는 연습 해주세요 )
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (16–20)
-논제를 뒷받침 할때 supporting details에 신경 써주세요, 한문장 한문장 씩 연습해서
논제와 비교, 타당한지 어느정도 연관성이 있는지 .
- 그리고 문장과 문장을 연결시켜 나갈때 부자연스럽습니다. 이것도 역시 연습을 필요로 합니다.
-전체적인 논제와 body의 내용은 연관되나 뒷받침할때의 전달력에 신경써주세요