University athletic departments should receive the same amount of funding as university libraries.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
First of all, sports activities play a pivotal role in improving students’ physical health. In fact, a lot of studies have maintained that exercising regularly especially in one's twenties 20 ages makes one’s muscles, joints, and bones strong. And even this good behavior is ideal for having a good impact on the blood circulation and , decreasing decrease dangers of high blood pressure and diabetes. Besides, it is needless to say that sports activity is really great way to lose one’s weight. For example, my younger brother always was seated in front of the computer and played the games about 10 hours per day. And He used to have junk foods had many just food such as hamburgers, fried chickens, cokes, and so on. In this way, because he always had a sedentary life without exercise but just ate many high-calories food, he eventually got get weight severely. So, every his class member made fun of him as calling “ugly fat guy”. He was depressed by their rude behavior as well as having diabetes caused by his obesity. He went to the hospital and a doctor said that “You have to lose your weight below 85 kilograms. If you don’t do that, you could even die at 40 ages. To be safe and lose your weight, you should walk everyday for 2 hours.” After hearing doctor’s surprising alert, he has have walked at least 2 hours every day since 6 months ago. And he has successfully lost lose weight from 120 kilograms to 80 kilograms. Now his health condition is really great not having diabetes and obesity any more. Because of regular exercising, he could gain another fresh life. 운동이 건강에 좋다는 점을 입증하는 것만으로는 '대학이 운동시설에 도서관만큼 투자해야 한다'라는 주장을 충분히 뒷받침하기 어렵습니다. 하필 '대학'이 '운동 시설'에 투자해야 하는 필요성을 강조할 수 있어야 하지요. 운동 시설을 설치해 학생들의 건강을 케어해줄 수 있어 좋다, 하는 식으로 대학 입장의 이점으로 연결짓는 부분을 보완해주면 좋을 것 같아요. 본문 내용이 결과적으로 논제에 대한 답변이 되어야 한다는 점에 유의해주세요.
On top of that, sports activities foster students’ social skills. Since Sports contain various group activities such as soccer, football, and badminton, and so on. The best example of these is soccer game. When students participate in the soccer game, for example, they could have an opportunity to learn about cooperating each other and doing as one of team members. When they pursue their common goal, each team competes compete with each other. In order to win the games, each team member has have to pass the ball one another, cheer their team members, and struggle together. They could build their great friendship while playing together, and also they could acknowledge that cooperation is really important to victory. So they could adapt these social skills to their own major field. 협동의 중요성에만 focus가 맞춰져 있을 뿐 구체적인 'social skill(사교성)'과는 큰 관련이 없는 것 같아요. 필요 이상으로 내용을 구체화하기보다 social skill과 관련된 키워드를 보여줄 수 있는 문장들을 연결해주는 것이 더 좋습니다. 많은 사람들과 어울리면서 사람을 사귀는 법도 배우고, 어떤 식으로 협동을 이끌어낼 수 있는지, 협동의 중요성이 얼마나 큰지 등을 배우고 작은 사회를 경험할 수 있다, 하는 식으로 연결지어볼 수 도 있고요. Then, they could live successful life more than the people who just studied very hard not having this kind of physical activity. According to the study conducted by the Korean Health Society, (한국 건강 사회? 라는 단체 이름이 다소 어색한 느낌이 듭니다. Ministry of Health and Welfare:보건복지부, 같은 단체이름을 사용해서 신빙성을 높여주면 좋을 것 같아요.) those who joined group exercising regularly in their youth lead a more successful career than other people who didn’t have those activities because they have social activities more so they could cooperate with their members of company and made their working atmosphere more flexible and healthier. The people also mentioned to the survey that if they had not participated in the group exercise with friends, they wouldn’t have communicated well with other people with various backgrounds and couldn’t have succeeded in their field as they have in the present.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair - Good (21–25)
전반적인 내용 구성이나 idea들은 좋습니다. 다만 body내용에만 초점을 두다 보면 논제에 대한 답변에서 어긋나는 부분이 생길 수 있으니 이 부분에 유의해서 연결고리를 더 보완해주세요. 또한 불필요하게 구체적인 내용이나 사례가 빈약한 부분들이 있으니 잘 조절하셔서 시간 안에 분량을 만들어낼 수 있도록 연습하시는 것이 중요할 것 같습니다. 과하게 내용을 덧붙여서 분량을 만들기보다 main idea문장/ 그에 대한 설명 3-5문장 정도 / 관련 사례 3-5문장 정도의 기준을 정해두고 시간배분 하시면서 간결한 <단계적 설명>에 초점을 둔다면 좋을 것 같습니다. 첨삭이 너무 늦어져 죄송합니다. 시험 좋은 결과 있으실 거예요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!