*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
In my opinion, we, indeed, are living (in) the generation which is far more cozier than that the of our granfathers. There is are no reason to disagree with this topic because of three reasons. First, the improvement of technology. Second, (the) advancement of welfare. Third, people are very much concious of our mental health.
First of all, obviously, the technological development has made our lives comfortable. Needless to say, we are living in the high-tech generation. The constant refinement of science made it possible to build air conditioner, boiler, microwave, refrigerator, laundry machine, and even the IT-related devices such as computer and smart phone. We benefit from air conditioner in the summer, and we are also able to take warm bath any time because of the boiler. People even can save much time and exploit it for themselves thanks to refrigerator and laundry machine. Smart phone and computer has also made our lives comfortable by helping us take useful and valuable information whenever we want them. 기술발전이 삶을 편리하게 했다는 설명과 예시가 적절하게 잘 제시된 문단입니다. 문단의 첫 문장에서 문단 핵심내용을 명확하게 보여줄 수 있도록 정리해서 두괄식 문형에 맞게 다듬어주세요.
Secondly, the advancement of welfare also made our lives more fertile than our grandfathers'. In the past, when humans human were living in the early era of modern civilization, they had modernized the aspects of human lives according to the certain theories of foreseeing scholars and thinkers. That means they had no practical method to apply these ideal thories into the actual life of human beings. However, people have learned much from mistakes they made so now we have a lot of welfare policies such as health insurance, educational policy for nation, economic assistance for disabled and elderly and so on. 복지의 발전이라는 key idea가 명확하다는 점과 과거에 비해 복지가 잘 발전됐다는 점이 잘 드러나는 부분이 좋습니다. 복지로 인해 사람들의 삶이 어떻게 풍요로워졌는지를 구체적인 사례로 보여주는 것도 좋을 것 같아요.
On the top of that, people who are living in this era finally take care of our mental health. The lion's share of people in the past 쉼표삭제 did not have any time to consider or pay attention to their status of mentality. People were just busy because they had to work in order to make money to take care of their family. Thesedays, however, with the development of technology, people can have plenty of time to consider about their mental status. They are able to go to see the psychotheraphist when they need or they can even spend their time and money for their psychological treatment. 적절한 idea와 설명입니다. 정신적인 부분이 '삶의 질'과 어떤 관련이 있는지를 간단하게 연결고리로 제시해주면 논리를 더 보완할 수 있겠습니다.
The People who were living in the past era 쉼표삭제 may not have thought think they were are uncomfortable because they did do not possess such machines, welfares and so on. but In this era, however, which possess with all of those things, it is reasonable for us to think we are living in the cozier life than our granfathers.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair - Good (22–26)
명확한 idea와 설명들이 적절한 example들과 함께 잘 구성된 글입니다. body의 수를 줄이는 대신 각 문단의 사례 내용을 더 구체적으로 만들어보시는 것도 좋을 것 같아요. 채점기준 항목별로 어떤 부분을 더 보완해야 할지 생각해보면서 검토하시면 도움이 되실 거예요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!