In order to stay well-informed, people should get information from various news sources.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
It is evident that in our current society, information has a tremendous importance in our lives. Some people might think that finding various news sources does not a big deal, while others do not. I, however, believe that the information today is really important. <여러 출처에서 정보를 얻는 것>에 대해 논하는 문제에서 <정보가 중요하다>라는 답변을 하는 것은 논점에 맞지 않습니다. 논제가 묻는 내용에 대한 나의 입장을 소개하는 것이 서론의 기능이므로 수정이 필요합니다. There are several reasons that I could discuss to support my argument so I will limit my discussion to the two that I feel are the most relevant to the topic; the concepts of balanced viewpoint and specific information.
First of all, maintaining a balanced sight is needed talent today. We can easily access to the Internet which contains plenty of information. However, most of information on the internet them has a biased sight even if it is a news report which has to be correct and fair. On top of that, if we rely on a single source, we could easily be misinformed. Hence, we need to get information from various news sources to maintain balanced sight. 두괄식 문형에 맞게 흐름을 다듬어주세요. 영어에세이에서는 두괄식 문형을 취하므로 문단의 첫 문장에 중심내용이 소개되어야 합니다. 나의 요지는 <균형잡힌 시각이 중요하다>가 아니라 <여러 매체에서 정보를 얻어야 균형잡힌 시각을 가질 수 있다>에 가깝습니다. 논제에 대한 답변이 될 수 있는 문장으로 정리한다고 생각하시면 좋을 것 같아요. A couple of days ago, for instance, I saw on TV news that a son killed his mother cruelly. The news showed his apparatus and his elaborate plan, which made makes me think him an evil. However, a few days later I read another news article newspaper that the boy commited murder because he could not bear his mother's violence which had lasted for 10 years anymore. I felt sorry for him and I realized that if I did not don't see the various news sources, I would have passed pass substantial points.
Second, the mass media of with mixed information do not filter the texts we need. Each media source covers the specific information and their purposes, ranges are all different. If you need a specific information about marine animals, you have to see the marine journal, not the daily newspaper. When I was a freshman in university, I had a hard time looking for a composer's detailed biography. However, my professor told me to look for the Grove dictionary which contained contains vast much information of music history. I could write my essay really quickly. As this experience clearly shows, the more news sources we use to learn, the better information we can get. specific한 정보를 얻기 위해 그 분야의 전문미디어를 선택해야 한다는 설명이 <다양한 sources로부터 정보를 얻어야 한다>라는 입장과 무슨 관련이 있는지 잘 모르겠습니다. 오히려 반대논점으로 이해되는 부분도 있는 것 같아요. 논점에 맞는 내용으로 바로잡아주세요.
All things considered, with the reasons mentioned above, I believe that I have sufficiently and adequately explained my position on the matters regarding this issue.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (16–19)
논점에 어긋나는 부분이나 주장이 명확하지 않은 부분들을 중점적으로 improve해주시면 될 것 같아요. 특히 나의 답변 내용은 결과적으로 논제가 묻는 내용에 대한 답변이 되어야 한다는 점을 염두에 두시는 것이 중요합니다^^ 채점기준 항목별로 어떤 부분을 더 보완해야 할지 생각해보면서 검토하시면 도움이 되실 거예요. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!