If child wants to do well in school, parents should limit the hours of watching TV programs or movies
There have been different opinions regarding whether parents should limit the hours of watching TV programs or movies, if child wants to do well in school. Some people believe that they should limit the hours of watching TV programs or movies. However, contrary to this opinion, I strongly believe that they should not limit the hours of watching TV programs or movies. The rational behind this is that they students can reduce their stress from school and they are able to broaden their Knowledge by watching TV programs or movies. 깔끔한 서론, 잘 써주셨어요^^
To begin with, watching TV programs or movies allow people to broaden their knowledge. To be specific, when they watch TV programs or movies. They can learn about other cultures, lifestyles, and gain valuable information. As a result, people can acquire knowledge in various fields. The world is rapidly becoming globalized and there is always an overload of information. Hence, modern society prefers people who have a lot of knowledge in many different subjects. 사실 이 두문장은 논점을 흐리는 불필요한 문장들인 것 같아요. 굳이 현대 사회에서는 overload of information이 있어서~하다.라고 하는 것보다는 단순히 현대 사회에서는 various fields에대한 정보를 가지고 있는 사람이 유리하다 그러므로 학생들에게도 좋다. 이런식으로 연결시켜주시는 것이 훨씬 좋겠네요. For instance, I have read a book saying that Bill Gates, the founder of Microsoft, he used to watch a lot of TV programs or movies in order to get lot's lots of information for his future as a child. Through this experience, Bill Gates could understand different cultures, lifestyles, and a gain a lot of information. This widened his knowledge and perspective, which brought him great accomplishments. Therefore, it is obvious that do not limit not limiting the hours of watching TV programs or movies is beneficial for expanding people's childrens' views and knowledge. people이라고 해도 틀린 것은 아니지만, children이라고 명시할 경우 논제에 대한 더욱 직접적인 답변이 될 수 있겠죠? 논제는 general public에 관한 것이 아니고, 부모들이 아이들의 tv보는 시간을 제한하냐 마냐에 관한 것이니까요^^
Moreover, watching TV programs or films helps people to reduce stress and improve their health. To be specific, while they watching TV programs or movies, people can forget about the burden and responsibility that come from work. 이 문장은 자칫보면 논점에 어긋날 수도 있는 문장입니다. 위에서 말했듯이 논제는 general public/people에 관한 것이 아니고, childeren에 관한것임을 주의해주셔야 해요. 그러무로 work란 표현보단, school/ school work 이라는 표현이 더 좋겠지요? As a result, people can have a stress-free life and it leads to a better quality of life. TV시청에 대한 제한이 없으면, stress-free life을 살 수 있다는 것은 자칫 논리적 비약, 과장된 표현일수있으니 주의하시고 수정해주세요. Stress is the cause of all kinds of illnesses and many people are suffering from stress-related diseases. Therefore, it has become more important to find ways to relieve stress and stay healthy. 이 문장들 또한 논점을 흐릴 수 있는 것 같습니다. 굳이 스트레스가 만병의 근원이라고 언급하기 보다, TV시청을 통해 <어떻게, 어떤 방식으로> stress를 relieve할 수 있고, stress relieve가 또 어떠한 긍정적인 영향 갖는지 설명해주시는 것이 좋을 것 같아요. For example, numerous studies have revealed that people who watch TV programs are healthier than those who do not. This proves that watching TV programs or movies contributes to lowering stress and enhancing health. For this reason, people have to should not limit hours of watching TV programs or movies.
Due to the reasons that i have stated above, parents should not limit the hours of watching TV programs or movies. This is primary due to the fact that people can broaden their knowledge and people can reduce their stress.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair (19-23)
전반적으로 큰 틀이 잘 잡혀 있고 그에 대한 idea들도 좋았던 글이에요. 하지만 idea를 전개해가는 과정에서 논점을 흐리는 문장들이 종종 등장했다는 것이 아쉽네요. 항상 글을 쓰실 때 논제가 무엇인지 생각하시고, 답안이 논제와 직접적 연관성을 가지도록 주의해주시면 좋은 글이 될 것 같아요. 수고하셨습니다.^^