today parents are not more involved in their children's education than were parents in the past.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
It is evident that in our current society education has a tremendous importance in our lives. Some people think that today parents are not more involved in their children's education than were parents were in the past. I, however, believe that parents are more involved in their children's education these days than were parents in the past thesedays. There are several reasons that I could discuss to support my argument so I will limit my discussion to the two that I feel are the most relevant to the topic.
First of all, the most important reason is that in our current society, young people have a much more opportunities oppertunity to be temped by tempting things around than before. For instance, watching Tv and violent violence TV programs and video games are always around them and lead led to them to be addicted. addictive. So, parents are more involved in their children's life for away from to protect them from those things everyday. 아이들이 더 안 좋은 상황에 노출되어 있다는 설명과 부모가 더 많이 관여한다는 사실 자체는 아무런 관련이 없습니다. 부모의 관심과 주의가 더 '필요한' 상황인 것은 맞지만, 아이들이 처한 상황 자체가 곧 부모가 아이들의 교육에 더 많이 관여하고 있다는 점을 보여주지는 못합니다. 논점에 맞는 idea로 논지를 구성해주세요. A really good example I can be seen in TV Tv program. Nowadays Nowdays teenagers' game addiction game addictive ratio is highly increased, so most parents are concerned about involved how to treat thier childrens. One parent interviewed by repoter, he mentioned that for education he checked his son's daily life. If he could had not interfered involve, his son might have be palyed games all night. He was is willing to adjust his sons schedule for education. 아이들의 게임중독문제가 심각하다는 점과 부모의 교육에 대한 관여도는 아무런 관련이 없습니다. 주장을 우선 논점에 맞게 정리하고 적절한 내용의 사례로 수정해주세요. In addition, a survey from Seoul National University showed said that more than 70% parents would like to control their children's schedule for chiltren's education in Korea. This example shows that thesedays how many more parents are involved in thier children's education than the past.
Second, another anoter reason which proves my point is that more resources and chances are the reason why young kids nowdays have been treated by parents. Most parents are likely to have just one or two kids compared comparing to the past our society. Parents and kids ratio are The number of children in family has decreased, so parents have more time to take care thier kids one by one. 부모가 아이들에게 더 잘 신경쓸 수 있는 환경이 조성되어서 교육에도 많이 관여한다는 흐름 자체는 적절합니다. 다만 주장이 약하고 설명 내용 역시 부족합니다. 어떤 점에서 오늘날 부모가 아이들의 교육에 더 많이 관여하는지를 정리해서 제시하고, 설명 내용도 더 구체적으로 제시해주세요. For instance, my father has 6 sisters and brothers. He said that when he was young, he could not have a chance to spend time with parents a lot. Also, he his is the only son who graduated from university univesity because of limited resources. He mentioned that nowdays just only one or two kids are it is more easy for parents to take care children and have more chance to interact interaction with each other because of the less number of children. 부모가 더 많이 '돌봐주고 소통하는' 것은 '교육에 관여하는 것'과 다른 내용입니다. 자원이 부족해서 쉽게 교육받지 못했던 환경 역시 "부모의 관여"와는 아무런 관련이 없습니다. 논점에서 어긋나지 않도록 내용을 수정해주세요. This is a really good example of , why thesedays parent are more involved in their children's education than the past. because of more chance and resourse from their parents.
간단하게 내용을 정리해주는 결론 문단이 필요합니다.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited (10–14)
오탈자와 문법 오류가 너무 많습니다. 시제표현, 수일치, 태, 품사활용 등에 유의하면서 꼼꼼하게 문장을 작성해주세요. 기본적으로 논제가 묻는 내용을 정확하게 이해하고 있다는 인상을 주는 것이 중요합니다. 단순히 부모-자녀라는 키워드만 두고 내용을 풀 것이 아니라 "자녀교육에 대한 관여도"를 중심에 두고 논리를 풀어주세요. 논점이 어긋나지 않도록 개요를 정리하는 연습을 해보시면 좋을 것 같아요. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!