Some people believe that schools should teach students how to best compete with others for their future. However, in my opinion, it is more important for schools to improve students’ cooperation ships than completion promoting competition with others. There are two of many reasons to support my opinion as follows.
First of all, informing how to collaborate with others at school will be beneficial for students’ successful future. In modern society, cooperation ship is required to in a wide range of tasks in school and workplace. That is, it is very hard to achieve successful goals without collaborating with others in various places. Especially, in work place, those who are skillful at getting along with others are in high demand. Personally, I think that the schools’ rudimentary role is preparing students to be equipped with useful factors which are helpful to getting a better job. As a consequence, schools enables students to get a better job and future by providing them with class where students can learn how to cooperate well with others. (앞, 뒤 문장의 관계가 원인과 결과가 아니기 때문에 올바른 transition이 아닙니다. 학교의 role이 좋은 직업을 가질 수 있도록 도와주는 것이다. 따라서, 학교는 cooperating 수업들을 provide해야 한다 라는 식의 내용이 좋을 것 같아요.) For example, my high school experience played an important role in my success in job. This is because, my school forced students to take courses of people skills and social skills. At that time, I thought that it is a waste of time and energy, but, now I appreciate it. The reason is that Thanks to the classes, now I am good at communicating with others and orchestrating my teams at work, which makes me get a high promotion.
In addition, learning about a skill to cooperate with others might give students an opportunity to easily get a help easily from others whenever they need. This is mainly because that those who are excellent to in collaborating with others have a tendency are more likely to make friends from different walks of life easily. With a diversity of friends, they can get useful and helpful advices when they are in need. For example, as like I mentioned above, thanks to my high school courses, I am good at getting along well with others, so I have a lot of friends. Whenever I have troubles or worries, my friends help me in many ways. Therefore, schools should teach students cooperation ships because the ability allows students to make various friends to be who are helpful to them.
All in all, because of the reasons mentioned above, I firmly believe that it is teaching how to cooperate with others that schools should take top priority.
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Good (24-30)
문법적인 오류도 많지 않고, 내용적인 면도 논리정연하게 잘 쓴 에세이 같아요. 하지만 좀 더 간결하게 쓰면 더 좋은 에세이가 될 것 같습니다. 같은 문장이나 단어의 반복을 피하고 장황한 문장들을 짧고 to the point로 쓴다면 좀 더 읽기 수월한 에세이가 될 것 같아요. 지금도 충분히 좋지만 좀 더 improve할 수 있는 에세이 인 것 같아요.
수고하셨습니다.