Some people argue that people are not able to learn lessons by playing sports. However, as far as I am concerned, I strongly believe that exercises allow people to learn essential lessons essential for their life. That's because people can improve their skills to life at job more better. (밑줄 친 부분이 의미하는 바를 알 수 없습니다.) Another reason for my opinion is that people are able to realize process is compelling thanks to sports. (문법적으로 맞지 않은 문장입니다. That 이하로 주절은 하나만 올 수 있습니다. Another reason for my opinion is that, through sports, people can realize that the process is compelling 으로 바꿀 수 있습니다. 근데 process가 어떤 프로세스인지 알 수 없어요..ㅠ)
To begin with, people learn many beneficial things from sports exercise. What I mean is that they are able to enhance their abilities such as leadership and skills to adapt to a group by playing sports. So, they can foster much better life at work through the skills that are got by playing sports. (앞 문장에 이미 얻을 수 있다는 내용을 썼기 때문에 반복하지 않아도 됩니다.) For example, my friend was a soccer player; however, he had to stop playing soccer because of a hamstring injury hamstrung. Nowadays, he joined works for a company. He could adapt well to the company because he learned teamwork by playing soccer. Thus, he had good relationship with his coworkers. Therefore, I entirely believe that people can learn priceless things I mentioned above from sports.
l 에세이 토픽 자체가 lesson을 얻을 수 있는 것인지에 대해 물어보기 때문에 각 문단별로 어떤 레슨을 얻을 수 있는 것인지 좀 더 detail하게 서술하는 게 좋을 것 같아요. 이 문단의 경우 스포츠를 함으로써 team work를 배웠다는 내용이기 때문에 단순히 priceless things를 배울 수 있다고 쓰기 보다는 cooperate 하는 법을 배웠다는 등의 내용을 쓰는 게 좋을 것 같아요.
On top of that, people who played sports tend to think that not only the result but also the process is important compelling; however, today's most people tend to think that result is the most important factor in life. In other words, process is spoiled from time to time. For example, I have two bosses. One boss expects me to make good result regardless of process but the other boss who was a sportsman thinks that process is invaluable as much valuable as results. The former's project often makes good output but process to make result are process in making such output is complex; however, the letter's latter one’s project encourages people to work efficiently because he emphasizes efficient and effective process.
l 스포츠를 함으로써 과정의 중요성을 깨닫게 된다는 것이 이 문단의 주장입니다. 하지만 과정이 왜 중요한지를 설명하는 부분이 결여된 것 같아요. 예시를 들 때 과정을 중요시 여기지 않은 프로젝트는 결과가 좋을 수 없었다고 쓰는 게 좀 더 이유를 support할 수 있을 것 같아요.
To sum up, I entirely agree with the statement that playing sports teaches people essential life lessons on account of the reasons I mentioned above: not only people acquire abilities to make their life at job better but also, they can get enlightenment.
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Fair (17-23)
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