If you could spend a year living in any city on the world, which city would you choose to live in? Give the reasons why you would want to live there.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요.
In the world, there are a huge variety of cities. If I could spend a year living in any city on the world, I would choose to live in New York. In this essay, I will give a couple of reasons why I want to live in there. 깔끔한 서론입니다.
First of all, I can improve my English skills surprisingly by living in New York. 명확한 thesis입니다. This is largely because that I will be exposed to the environment where almost all of people use English, so I can be good at speaking English. It is obvious fact that, with the world globalized, English becomes more and more important language to be successful. If I live in New York City, which is beneficial for upgrading my level of English, I can have an opportunity to get a better job. According to the Korea Ministry of Employment and Labor, the employment rate of those who can have a good command of English is much higher than those who not. They also have announced that most of people who are in high-income group have an experience to live in the English-speaking world. 이것은 불필요한 정보인 것 같아요. <노동부에 따르면 이러이러하다.>보다, 작성자님의 개인적인 생각이 중요한 essay인만큼 영어가 왜 작성자님에게 중요한 의미를 가지는지에 대한 간략한 설명만 있으면 될 것 같아요. 이런 불필요한 detail보다는 <어떻게, 왜> 뉴욕생활을 통해 영어실력이 improve될 수 있는지에 대한 설명과 그에 대한 예시가 있으면 좋을 것 같네요. Therefore, I want to live in New York in order to enhance my English skills and get a better job.
In addition, living in New York enables me to make friends from different walks of life. 이것 또한 좋은 thesis입니다.^^ New York is one of most famous and popular cities.단순히 뉴욕이 유명한 도시라는 것보다, 매우 다양한 인종과 직업의 사람들이 모일 수 있는 도시임을 강조해주시는 것이 좋을 것 같아요. Every year, my people from a diversity of countries go to New York for various reasons, such as education, careers, or new experience. If I live in New York City, I will be able to get along well and hanging along well with others having various race people from diverse countries and race. There are many benefits of having different friends. For example, I can get a useful and helpful advice and help from various viewpoint when I have problems, enlarge my view, which might be helpful for my future career, and experience many things I have not ever been. As a consequence, I would like to live in New York so as to make friends from all over the world, which allows me to live a better life.
All in all, because of the reasons mentioned above, I would like to live in New York City on the world. I firmly believe that the experience living in the city will improve a number of different aspects of my business and personal life.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair-Good (18-22)
전반적으로 흐름이 자연스러웠고 idea도 모두 적절한 글입니다. 그런데 <왜, 어떻게> 작성자님의 idea/주장이 가능한지에 대한 설명이 더 필요합니다. 바로 사례를 제시하기 전에 주장을 뒷받침해주는 논리적인 설명을 2-4문장 정도 더 보완해주세요. 또 적절한 사례를 작성해주시는 것도 중요한 요소이니 주의해주세요. 수고하셨습니다.^^