It is evident that our current
society advertisement has a tremendous importance in our lives. Some people
think that advertisement is does not make products seem much better, while others
do not. I, however, believe that the advertisements make products seem much
better than then
they really are. There are several reasons that I could discuss to support my
argument so I will limit my discussion to the two that I feel are most relevant to the topic.
First of all, the most important reason is that
advertisements in terms of (showing으로 바꾸는게 좋을 것 같아요. In terms of 는 ~라는면에서 이런 뜻이 강하기 때문에 좋은
이미지를 ‘보여주는’ 광고라고 쓰는 게 좀 더 자연스러울
것 같습니다.) good image of products are more attractive
to customer. Due to the rapid development of the society, products are abundant (제품이 풍부하다는 표현은 의미적으로 어색합니다. 제품의 종류가 풍부하거나 선택할 제품이 많다는 표현이 좋을 것 같아요.) and people do not spend much of time to inspect
inspecting all of items of
which they need to buy for living. This reminds
me of a time when I was a student in a college.
During the final test season, I had have to buy MP3 player for recording. Without because I didn’t
have any information about MP3 the products,
I bought one of which I had watched advertisement.
it what I watched advertisement a lot before.
Thereafter, I realized that the recording time and quality
of it were qaulity is
not as good as I expected. This is a good
example of the advertisements that make products
seem much better than then they really are.
단순히 광고를 봤던 것을 샀다고 쓰기 보다는 광고에서 좋다고 했던 제품을 샀더니 광고에서 나온 이미지만큼 좋은 제품이 아니었다고 디테일을 써 주면 더 좋을 것 같아요.
Second, another reason which proves
my point is that well-made advertisements can
increase the sales performances. Most
People are more
likely to buy a product which is familiar to with them. A
really good example which is Samsung’s smart phone advertisement in the world. Attractive advertisements on TV and New commercial
(New에 대문자로 되어 있어서 New commercial이 하나의 대명사가 되어야하는 데 무슨 의미인지 모르겠습니다. 새로운 광고라고 쓰기위해서는 new를 소문자로 써야합니다. 그리고 앞의 advertisement도 광고를 뜻하기 때문에 new commercial은 안쓰는 게 좋을 것 같아요.) show much better
image of the item to the customers. make
products seem much better image of items by customers. After
starting TV commercial, the Samsung’s sales
goes went
up rapidly 3 time more than before. Also,
survey shows that over 70% of non-Samsung customers were willing
to change their phone because of good image of products
from advertisement. Every updated product comes out,
Samsung marketing team made a tempting advertisement for sales becasue its
related to their sales perfomance. (새로운 제품에
attractive한 광고를 쓰려고 한다는 이야기를 하기 보다는 앞의 내용을 마무리 짓는
sentence를 써 주는 게 좋을 것 같아요. 예를 들면, 이렇게 자주 광고를 보고 좋은 이미지를 받게 되면 고객이 늘어나게 된다. 라는
내용을 쓰면 좋을 것 같습니다.)
Writing 0-30 Score Scale
Limited – Fair (13-20)
내용적인 부분에서는 큰 문제가 없는 것 같습니다. 주장과 이를 뒷받침하는 이유가 논리적으로 잘 쓰여 있습니다. 하지만 조금 더 디테일하게 이유를 설명하고 각 문단을 마무리 짓는 conclusion sentecne를 써 주면 좋을 것 같아요. 그리고 전반적으로 문법적인 부분에 신경을 쓰면서 proof reading을 해 보는 것이 좋을 것 같습니다. 문장의 기본 구성 요소나 각 단어에 어울리는 형용사 등에 대해서 생각을 하면서 수정을 해 나가면 좋을 것 같습니다.
수고하셨습니다.