It is evident that in our
current society, travel has a tremendous
importance in our lives. Some people think that a group tour is the best way to
travel, while others do not. I, however, believe
that the best way to travel is to travel alone
without critical (스케쥴에 어울리지 않는 형용사 입니다. 어떤 의미를 표현하려는 건지 잘 모르겠습니다. 만약 바쁜 스케쥴을
말하는 것 이라면 packed 또는 busy 등의 형용사가
좋을 것 같습니다.) schedule and short time take a famous place.
(이 부분도 의미전달이 안됩니다. 유명한 장소를 돌아다니는 데 조금밖에 시간이 없는 스케쥴을 말하는 것 이라면 앞의 schedule이라고 쓴 곳에 and가 아니라 which로 수식해주는 게 좋을 것 같아요. 전반적인 문장의 구조를
수정해 보시면 좋겠습니다.) There are several reasons that I could discuss to
support my argument. So I will limit discussion to the two that I feel are most
relevant to the topic.
First of all, the most important
reason is that traveling alone is more flexible when fixing to fix
the schedule. If I travel with others, I cannot change the schedule only just for me.
For instance, two years ago I went to overseas
trip with others. Unfortunately, I was sick because of constant diarrhea. The
problem was is
that they could not change everyday
schedule for me. So, I had have to fellow
follow them without fun and enjoy. If I were to
travel alone, I might have gone be go to the hospital for treatment and take a
rest for me. This is the bad memory of the my first trip in to Japan with tour groups. This example shows that the
group tour is not the best for special personal situation.
Second, another reason which proves
my point is that by through my liberal journey, I could make an
international friends freind. This opportunities
opportunity gave me a chance to interaction interact
with diverse people from different backgrounds.
After the journey,
I can have could
broaden my perspectives
perspectivies and mature. This reminds
me of a time when I visited Europe continent for
over 30days by myself. (이 문장이 example의 시작문장입니다. 하지만
문단의 처음에 my liberal journey라고 쓰고 뒤에도 글쓴이의 경험을 이유로 썼기 때문에
문단이 전반적으로 어색해 집니다. 앞의 내용의 주어를 people로
바꿔주세요.) One day, I lost the direction at rainy night. On a rainy night, I
lost the direction. I felt was feel miserable at the moment however one old
lady helped me a
find a nearest hostel for me and bestowed tip told me how to take a public transportation. With her help, I
could solve the problem and overcome fear of a new place. Also, I met a lot of
international friends freind who still keep in touch with me
by internet . This example shows that the liberal
journey gives us to a good chance to overcome obstacles obsticles
and have a good friend.
Writing 0-30 Score Scale
Limited – Fair (13-20)
에세이를 다 쓴 후에는 꼭 proof reading을 해서 스펠링 체크를 해주세요. 그리고 정확하게 의미전달이 되지 않는 부분이 조금 있습니다. 그런 부분을 신경써서 수정을 한다면 더 좋은 점수를 받을 수 있을 것 같아요. 단어의 쓰임과 문법적 요소를 정확하게 파악하는 것이 중요합니다. 단어선택에 주의해주세요. 내용적으로는 잘 support 된 에세이 입니다. 하지만 두번째 이유와 예시의 경계가 애매해서 clear하게 보이지 않습니다. 이유를 broad하게 쓰고 specific한 예시를 들어준다면 좋을 것 같아요.
수고하셨습니다.