Some people argue that universities should only
spend money only on libraries. However, as far
as I am concerned, I strongly believe that it is more advantageous for
universities to invest in sports. That's because universities are able to
become (can be 로 쓰는 게 자연스럽습니다.) popular. Another reason for my opinion is that
students' satisfaction to the universities will be increased.
To begin with, universities that have gorgeous sports team are usually
popular to students. It Sports team is very useful when colleges promotes themselves to students. What I mean is that
the universities can have more opportunities to get excellent students. (단순히 학생들에게 유명하다고 excellent student를 얻을 수 있지는 않습니다. 좀 더
내용이 이어질 수 있도록 설명을 하는 게 좋을 것 같아요. 예를 들어,
학생들은 유명한 학교를 가고 싶어한다. 등의 내용으로 써주세요.) Furthermore,
based on the students’ ability, universities are able to become (can be 로 쓰는 게 자연스럽습니다.) more
competitive. For example, Korea University
spends much money on sports team and has a quite
famous basketball team. Thus, many students have good feelings (어떤 good
feeling인지 써주세요. 예를들어 학교를 향해 좋은 이미지를 가지고 있다 등이 될 수
있습니다.)
and want to enter to the college. So, the
university gets more outstanding students every
year. Nowadays Korea University
is expected considered
as top class university In Korea. Therefore, I entirely maintain that investing
in sports is good way to develop college.
스포츠로 학교의 명성이 올라간다는 점은 좋지만 그로 인해 좋은 학생들이 입학한다는 점은 연관성이 부족해 보입니다. 두가지를 연관짓는 문장을 추가해서 설명하거나 내용수정을 하는 게 좋을 것 같아요.
On top of that, students have many chances to exercise in college that
spends a lot of money on sports. Thanks to working out (의미가 어색합니다. If
students work out 이라고 쓰는게 자연스러울 것 같아요), students get energy and become more
healthier. In other words, their quality of life will be enhanced. Therefore,
their satisfaction to the college will be increased. For instance, my
university invests much money in sport
facilities every year. There are many opportunities for
us to use those facilities. So, my friends and I
work out together in spare time. I think we are much healthier than other
school students. When I play soccer with my friends,
it is pretty enjoyable time. (앞의 내용과 무관한 내용입니다. 안쓰는게 좋아요) I often appreciate my school
for to the school that investing in many sports facilities.
일반적으로 문단의 주장을 앞에 쓰는게 좋아요. 이문단의 주장은 학생들의 만족도가 높아진다는 것이기 떄문에 on top of that, school’s investment on sports increases student’s satisfaction toward the school. 이라고쓴 후에 학생들이 운동할 chance가 많아지고 그로인해 건강해지고 등등을 쓰는게 좋을 것 같아요. 그리고 예시에 학생들이 satisfy하는 점을 말해주는 것도 좋은 방법입니다.
To sum up, I firmly agree with the statement that it is very reasonable choice for college to invest in sports on account of the reasons I mentioned above: not only can universities have more chances to get outstanding students but also, students' loyalty to their school will be enhanced.
Writing 0-30 Score Scale
Fair (17-23)
전반적으로 문법적 오류가 많지도 않고 읽기도 수월한 에세이 입니다. 하지만 글에 논리적인 전개가 조금 부족한 것 같아요. 부가설명을 통해서 문장간의 연관관계가 성립될 수 있도록 조금 수정하는 게 좋을 것 같습니다. 그리고 be able to와 can 그리고 be와 become에는 약간의 차이가 있습니다. 때에따라 좀 더 자연스러운 단어를 선택하는 게 좋을 것 같아요.
수고하셨습니다~