Although the Internet has pros and cons, I totally agree with the statement that nowadays, students can study more effectively with the Internet.
간단하고 주장을 말해주기에 좋은 sentence 입니다 하지만 문단을 구성할 때에는 적어도 3~4문장정도 써 주는게 좋습니당 J
First of
all, there is almost no limit in finding study materials in the Internet.
Most universities and governments in the world open and share their
resources through the Internet, so that students can find resources
of nearly every subject at any time without spending time to go to a
library and look for the books they want. For example, when I was a freshman in
university, I took a course called History of Music. The professor assigned us
to write a paper about Indian folk songs. Since I had no knowledge
about the music, I found a lot of video and reading
materials about Indian music on the Internet. Thanks to the help of
the Internet, I could understand the subject and submit the paper in
time. (문단의 주장이
많은 양의 정보가 있었다는 것이니까 in time에 쓴 내용보다는 더 좋은 정보성의 paper를 쓸 수 있었다고 쓰는 것이 더 좋을 것 같아요.) If it were was
not for the Internet, I would have had difficulty (in생략가능) finding appropriate resources and writing the paper whenever I have to research. Therefore, the
Internet can be more effectively way for
students to study.
On top of
that, students can study easily through online courses. Since the Internet is was developed,
many online courses became available all over the world, and the quality and
amount of online courses are increasingly
great. (앞의 내용은
과거에 어떠한 것이 변했다는 내용을 쓰고 있어서 뒤의 내용과 한문장에 이어지기에는 조금 어색한 것 같아요. 뒤에 quality and amount에 관한 내용은 separate
sentence로 쓰는 게 좋을 것 같습니다. 예를 들어
Increasing amount of online studying courses became available 이런식으로 쓸 수 있습니다.) As a
result, students can study at the comfort of their houses without any
limitation of time and place. On the other hand, before the Internet came out,
there was the limitation to of learning;
people who wanted to study had to go to school
or academy, the number of teachers and
schools could be not sufficient to support all students, and the
school hours were not long enough to teach busy people such as
workers. (불필요한
내용인 것 같습니다. 그리고 schools could be not
sufficient는 의미가 어색합니다. Was로 정확한 과거의 사실로 말하는 게 좋을
것 같아요.) A
survey has proved this point. Nowadays, the number of officers office
workers/employees/people with a job who are taking online courses
to achieve their goals is increasing every year. They said the reason is
that it is more convenient to study online courses than go
to school at night after work. Thus, the
Internet is helping people to study efficiently.
예시를 쓸 때 이유와 잘 연관시키는 게 좋을 것 같습니다. 시간과 장소의 제약을 받지않는 다는 내용에 focus 해서 학교를 가는 것보다 편하다는 내용을 좀더 설명해주면 좋을 것 같습니다. 예를 들어 일하는 사람들이 저렴한 비용에 학교에 가지 않고도 집에서 공부할 수 있기 때문이라고 쓸 수 있습니다.
To summarize, I firmly believe that the Internet provides students with a huge amount of helpful resources and the opportunity to study at anytime and anywhere.
Writing 0-30 Score Scale
Good (23-30)
전반적으로 에세이의 흐름도 좋고 문법적으로 큰 실수도 없어서 읽기 좋은 에세이 입니다. 정확한 의견과 뒷받침하는 이유가 있습니다. 하지만 이유에 대한 example을 좀 더 디테일하게 쓰는 것이 좋을 것 같아요. 그리고 동사의 시제에 주의해서 proof reading을 하는 게 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한, 문장이 조금 장황합니다. 간결하게 표현하는 것이 좋고 불필요한 내용은 쓰지 않는 것이 좋습니다.
수고하셨습니다.