Some people might argue that
children should live in a city to have more educational opportunities. However,
contrary to this idea, I strongly believe that living in a countryside is better for children. The
fundamental reason behind this is that a
countryside provides children with healthier and safer environment.
First of all, living in a countryside helps children maintain their
physical health. This is mainly because the slow paced life in a countryside is more comfortable than the
rat-race life in a city. (comfortable 한 것으로는 physical health에 도움되는 이유가
되지 않는 것 같아요. 다른 형용사를 쓰거나 이 문장은 쓰지 않는게 좋을 것 같아요.) What is
more, unlike polluted cities, a
countryside prevents children with from various illness ranging from skin disease to lung
cancer. From my experience, when I was a kid, I
used to stay in my grandmother’s house in a countryside. While staying there a countryside,
I could be relieved from my atopic dermatitis and allergy. This was because
unlike the cities, a rural area provided me with clean water, fresh air, and
peaceful environment, which activated worked as an effective cure.
이유와 예시가 좋습니다. 하지만 이유를 설명하는 부분이 좀 더 있으면 좋을 것 같아요. 예를 들어 시골에는 ‘환경이 좋아서’ 병이 생길 확률이 적다는 내용을 설명부분에 좀 더 보완할 수 있습니다.
Moreover, living in a rural area is safer
than the cityfor children. An important reason is that children can be protected in a small friendlier area where everyone is familiar with one another. However, a city is full of large entertainment establishment which draw potentially dangerous people who are likely to cause crime. (앞에 시골이 좋은점을 썼기 때문에 city가 나쁘다는 점을 꼭 쓰지는 않아도 됩니다. 그리고 adult/decadent entertainment establishment 라고 쓰는 게 좋을 것 같아요. 유흥업소라는 뜻으로 정확하게 표현하는게 좋습니다.) For instance, when I stayed in grandmother’s house, my parents allowed me to play outside freely with my friends in the safe environment. However, coming back to Seoul,the capital city of Korea,although I wanted to play outside, my parents never permitted me to play outside. (주어를 ‘I’로 하는 게 앞의 동명사절인 coming back과 더 자연스럽게 이어질 것 같아요.) This was because they were in fear of news reports aboutsuch aschildren molesters, kidnappers, and gangsters.In conclusion, without any doubt, I am convinced that living in
acountryside provides children with much better environment. This is becauseacountryside helps children keep their body healthy and be safe.
Writing 0-30 Score Scale
Fair (17-23)
글의 논리성이 좋은 에세이 입니다. 정확한 의견을 서술하고 관련된 이유로 잘support 했습니다. 하지만 부분적으로 불필요한 내용이 있고, 좀 더 설명이 필요한 부분도 있어요. 그리고 문법적인 부분도 조금 신경을 쓰는 게 좋을 것 같습니다. 참고로 Countryside는 불가산명사입니다.
수고하셨습니다.