Mobile phones have given people more freedom.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요.
Some people think that mobile phone offers people to have opportunities to stay in contact all times. However, in my opinion, cell phones have actually taken away people's freedom by having negative effect on their health and family time.
To begin with, avoiding mobile phones negatively affect people's health. This is because mobile phones tend to create the noise of ringing phones and people's chatting. In other words, people are easily stressed out when they disturbed by the noise. idea자체는 좋고, thesis statement도 잘 잡아주신 것 같아요. 하지만 가 과 어떻게 관련이 있는지에 대한 설명이 현저히 부족합니다. 아무리 작성자님께 당연하게 느껴지는 논리더라고 설명해주시지 않으면 평가할 때 count되지 않으므로 불이익이 있을 수 있으니, every step by step을 logically 설명하는 연습을 해주세요.^^ Moreover, stress is on of the main factors of diseases through weakening the immune system. According to a study conducted by Seoul National University of Korea in 2013, a test on mice showed that life span was shorten when they regularly underwent series of the electric shocks. Interestingly, the researchers found a link between this and human being who suffered from periodic stress. This implied that high stress level can negatively affect humans, resulting in a shorter life span.
On top of that, cell phone's ringing sound deter people from having quality time with their family. 역시 idea는 reasonable하고 명료한 thesis를 잘 잡아주셨습니다. 하지만 이것이 왜, 어떻게 이 될 수 있는지에 대한 설명이 되지 않고 있습니다. 현재 논제는 단순히 cell phone의 긍정적인 효과를 주는지, 부정적인 영향을 주는지에 대한 것이 아닌 giving freedom의 문제이므로 이에 유의해주시고 본론의 focus를 다시 맞춰주세요.. This is due to the fact that the cell phone make people keep in contact with anybody at any time, even with their boss form work. Therefore, people spend more time at work and less time with their family. For example, in the movie "The Devil Wears Prada", the character Miranda Presley was a very success businesswoman yet a workaholic, and infamous for her dictatorship in the office. Although she had a high reputation for her competence in the business, she divorced multiple times and practically lived a lonely life. In fact, her family time was disturbed by her business phone calls. In other words, all the money that she was earning from her spectacular duties did not make her a truly happy woman. 논제에 대한 이해가 바르지 않으면, idea가 논제와 연관성 있는 방향으로 develop되기 어렵고 따라서 예시도 논제와 연관성이 떨어지기 마련입니다.
To sum up, cell phone force people to answer the phone continuously, which hinder them from leading healthy life and enjoying time with their family. In this regard, I think that cell phone have restricted our independence rather than have given freedom.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited (11-15)
전반적으로 글을 깔끔하고 읽기 수월했습니다. 하지만 글의 가장 큰 문제점은 논제와의 연결성이 떨어지는 off-topic이라는 것입니다. 현재 논제는 단순히 에 대한 것이 아닌 에 대한 문제이므로 이에 유의해주시고 본론의 focus를 재정비 해주세요. cell phone의 부정적인 영향에 대한 idea는 모두 reasonable하니 이것이 논제 내용에 대한 답변이 되도록 수정이 필요합니다. 수고하셨습니다.^^ | |