Some people say that it is better to study general subjects than specific careers. However, generally speaking, I believe that universities and high schools should teach students about specific careers in place of general subjects.
펼칠 주장에 대해서 간단히 언급해 주시면 더 좋을 거 같습니다.
문법은 틀린거 없으신데요.. ㅎ
To begin with, studying specific fields helps the students get jobs much easier. Since the students studied some special careers, they are more likely to know what they want to become or where they want to work. Also, they are more professional
특정 직업 훈련을 했기 때문에.. 가 아니라.. 그런 훈련을 받은 학생들은.. 더-하는 경향이 있다.. 라고 문장을 써 주셔야 겠고, 이 문장에 덧붙여 왜 그렇게 되는지 이유도 설명해 주셔야 주장을 일반화시키는 문장이 되겠어요.
그래서 써보면..
자신의 미래 직업을 위해서 직업 훈련을 받은 학생들은 자신이 구체적으로 어떤일에 적합한지 더 잘 인식하고, 더 열성적으로 공부하는 경향이 있다. 미래직업에 직접 관련된 것을 배우고 익힘으로써 더 효과적으로 일하는데 용이하게 하는 일반적 지식과 직업상 필요한 것을 배우는 것에 대한 필요성을 더욱 절실히 느끼게 되기 때문에.
The students who were taught about specific careers are more likely to be better aware of what kind of a job is fitting with them, and study with enthusiasm. This is because by studying and practicing directly related parts with their future jobs, the students would recognize their a lot of faults and feel a desperate need for learning general subjects or specific careers which help them to work efficiently,
쓰신 내용이 이건거 같아서.. 좀 늘여 써 보았어요. 일반화 문장은 1-3문장 정도가 좋다고 해요..
그리고 예시나 통계를 쓰기 전에 무슨 내용을 좀 깔아 놔야 더 설득력이 있을테니까요.
>>실험 설계 먼저 할게요.
For example, according to in 2010, a study was conducted by Seoul National University in Korea by observing two groups: ten people of a the students classified as 'group A' which majored in a certain career, -> who were trained for their future jobs by having them earn 30 credits from internship programs and training courses was much faster at getting jobs than ten people of and the comparison group,'group B' who were had to study only general career. subjects.
>>그리고 나서 결과
Group B was having a hard time figuring out special fields that they were good at. 그들이 잘했던 분야에서 시간이 오래 걸린다는 건 좀 안맞는 말인 것 같아요..
그들이 취업한 후 그들의 회사생활과 업무능력에 대해 조사하였더니 A그룹에 속했던 사람들이 회사에 더 잘 적응하고 있었고, 이직률도 낮았으며, 업무와 관련된 자격증을 평균적으로 더 많이 소지하고 있었다. 그들이 받은 그런 직업훈련이 도움이 되었는지에 대해서는 자신이 하고 싶은 분야를 찾는데 큰 도움이 되었다는 응답이 가장 많았고 미래직업을 하는 데 있어서 자신의 결점을 미리 알고 대비할 수 있어서 좋았다는 응답이 뒤를 이었다.
After the test subjects got their jobs, the school investigated thier work lives and job perfomance. Comparing to the group B, the people in group A appeared to better adapt their companies, show lower turnover rate, and have more certificates related their works averagely. When they are questioned what was the best benefit they got from the vocational training, the most people said that they could know which job is well fitted with them, and the following answer was that they were able to understand to be more fitted with their future jobs, what they need to do.
>>마무리 문장~
This clearly shows that to grow students as successful professionals, it is more convenient ->efficient to have students learn a more detailed topics specific careers than a let them study general one subjects as a public education.
수고하셨습니다.^^
예를 들어 쓰는 것도 패러프레이즈의 일부라고 생각하심 될 거 같아요. ^^
어차피 구라.. ㅎ 한주 잘 보내세요~
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