▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that universities should spend as much money on sports as they do on libraries. As far as I am concerned, I am in complete agreement with the argument. The two ideas stated below can be sufficient evidence to support my agreement.
먼저 introduction paragraph에서 가장 중요한 부분은 thesis staement 인데요, 주제 소개와 주장 제시, 근거 나열을 해주셔야 합니다. 근거 나열을 하실 때 "~아래 언급한 것처럼"과 같이 언급만 해주시는 것이 아니라, 구체적으로 뒷받침하는 어떠한 근거들이 있는지 써주셔야 합니다.
To begin with, students have to take physical activities, such as basketball, football and tennis. This is because these sports can be revitalizing, offering an effective outlet for releasing stress and tension. As society becomes more complex and faster changing, students are increasingly tied up by heavy workloads including lectures, assignments and group studies. The result is frustration, as we feel pressure to handle tons of work. Because taking exercise is a refreshing activity, however, it can help students relieve their tension and stress. In this context, spending time on sports is a great way to relax. For example, when I was in college, I discussed the same topic with my professor and friends, and they agreed that working out at the gym for a while and trying to relax are very good way to make balance between work and life. Even if it is only for a brief moment, they also mentioned that we can feel deeply composed and successfully gain some distance from out stress ridden daily routine. With these advices, I started to take jogging and hiking regularly, and I have felt energized and ready for another day of struggle with hustle and bustle of life. This is the reason why I strongly recommend for universities to invest more budgets on sports.
영어 표현에 아주 익숙하신 것 같아요~ 전반적으로 구조와 형식이 잘 잡혀있는 글이네요. 또, 주장하신 근거가 참신하고 타당해서 좋습니다. 제시해주신 예시도 적절하구요. 제시해주신 예시도 자신의 경험을 토대로 한 것이라 신빙성 있고 설득력도 있습니다. 마지막 부분에 concluding sentence도 아주 좋습니다~
On top of that, doing sports for relaxation is useful in that as it encourages people to have stronger ties with others around them. In todays' competitive society, we are under great pressure to outpace others, and thus lack time to be with our friends. As a result, we are less emotionally attached to our colleagues than we were in the past. By doing physical activities together and sharing our fun, however, we can sustain solid relationship with other people as well as friends. Therefore, the value of physical activities for relaxation should not be overlooked. This is the real value of sports that libraries cannot provide for students. According to a recent survey carried out by Harvard University, nearly 80% of students replied that they could restore their bonds with colleagues through sports. This survey also shows that these 80% could exchange ideas and develop sympathetic bonds while doing exercise together. This increases emotional attachment and, by extension, social awareness.
앞의 문단과 마찬가지로 현대 우리 사회의 특징을 잘 잡아내셨고, 또 왜 운동이 필요한지에 대해 잘 소개해주신 것 같아요. 핵심 내용으로 이어지는 도입 부분이 아주 자연스럽습니다. 연구 결과에 관한 예시도 아주 좋은데요, 다만, 주제와 연결시키는 부연 설명이 조금 부족해서 그냥 정보를 마지막에 던져 놓은 느낌이 납니다. 차라리 이 내용을 앞 부분에 언급하시거나 concluding sentence나 부연설명을 덧붙이시면 더욱 좋은 글이 될 것 같네요.
To sum up, because of the reasons mentioned above ("~언급한 것처럼" 과 같은 표현은 자제해주시고 직접 나열해주세요~), I firmly believed that putting as much money on sports as on libraries by universities should not only be allowed, but encouraged. It allows us to release the stress caused by life in the campus and to improve our relationship with our friends.
마지막으로, conclusion paragraph를 아주 깔끔하게 잘 써주셨습니다. 앞에 들었던 예시들과 thesis statement를 간단히 잘 summarize 해주셨습니다~
좋은 글은:
Addressing topic, Task
Organization, Development, Explanations, Exemplifications
Unity, Profession, Coference
Consistency in language, Syntactic Variety, Vocabulary, Grammatical Accuracy
들을 다 갖춰야해요
전반적으로 라이팅 연습을 많이 해보신 게 티가 나네요~ 토플 라이팅에 필요한 구조나 형식을 모두 아주 잘 갖추고 있는 글이에요. 간혹가다 보이는 문법/어휘 실수는 큰 문제가 되지 않습니다. 대표적으로는 단수와 복수 구분, 주어/동사 연결과 다양한 어휘력 등이 있습니다. 참고해주세요~ 정말 수고 많으셨습니다!
Raw Score:
4.5/5 -> 28/30
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