Technology designed to make people's lives easier and simpler actually has made people's lives more complicated.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Some people think technology makes comfortable lives in their life; however, in my opinion, technology has
negative impacts on people's lives as a result. consequences. It is because technology disrupts family time and turns every place environment into a workplace.
To begin, technology disrupts family time because people connect to each other everywhere with the cell phone. When people use their cell phones, they tend not to speak each other and just focus on cell phones. Especially in the case of dinner table, people are using their phone to text with fiends and would not have a conversation each other. 어디서든 서로 연결되어 있기 때문에 가족시간이 방해된다는 연결이 어색하게 느껴집니다. 문장만 놓고 본다면 오히려 어디서든 connect되니까 family bond가 강해진다는 느낌이 들 수 있으니까요. 또한 가족시간이 줄어든다는 점은 "삶이 복잡해지는 것"과는 관련이 없습니다. 언제 어디서나 사용 가능한 기술들 때문에 주의를 빼앗겨서 주변 사람들에게만 신경쓰기보다 여러 곳에 신경쓰고 주의가 산만해진다는 식으로 표현을 수정해봐도 좋을 것 같아요. 단순히 기술이 좋다/안좋다를 묻는 문제가 아니라 "삶을 오히려 복잡하게 만들었다"는 specific한 결론을 가지고 있는 논제라는 점에 유의해야 합니다. For example, when I was a senior in high school in 2013, I spent time with my family at a sushi restaurant. While we are were waiting for the food, my brother kept was keep texting with his friends. Although my parents asked him to stop using his cell phone, his cell phone made makes him to contract with others. It disturbed our family time. 사례 내용 역시 마찬가지로 가족시간이 방해받은 내용에 그쳐있기 때문에 '삶이 복잡해지는 것'과는 아무런 연결고리도 갖지 못합니다. 논점에 맞는 주장과 사례내용으로 문단을 재구성해주세요. not only technology disturbs our family time, but also it makes us into work in everywhere.
On the top of that, technology makes people work more than the past. It is because people are connected to work through the cell phone. Unlike the past, people usually have developed device. 단순히 휴대전화때문이라는 설명보다는 전반적인 '기술'이 사람들의 삶을 '복잡하게' 만들었다는 연결이 가능하도록 논리를 발전시켜주세요. 설명 내용 역시 더 구체화되어야 합니다. There is a movie, quotation mark삭제 The Devil Wears Prada quotation mark 삭제. , and there is The heroin of the movie, a character "quotation mark삭제 Miranda Presely quotation mark삭제 ," she is a professional career woman, and she has a high reputation for of her work in business. In the movie, when she went to Hawaii to enjoy her vacation, she had a phone call in the middle of her vacation. Since the company was in emergency, she had to come back to work right away. It explains how technology ties individuals to into work. As a result, technology made people's lives more complicated than the past.
In conclusion, technology disturbs people's relationship and forces people into to work. In this regard, I strongly believe that technology was invented to work has made individuals to work more than then the past and not invented to make had made people people's work easier.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (13–17)
capital letter 사용해야 하는 부분들 모두 지켜주세요. 기본적인 형식이 지켜져 있지 않으면 자연히 글의 완성도가 떨어져 보입니다. 기술의 단점에 대해서만 서술하는 것이 아니라 '삶을 복잡하게 만들었다'는 결론으로 자연스럽게 이어질 수 있는 주장이 필요합니다. 논점에 부합하는 글이 될 수 있게끔 내용을 더 발전시켜주세요. 문법오류도 꼼꼼하게 검토해주시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!