Television advertising directed toward children under the age of five should not be allowed
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Some people believe that Television advertising directed toward children under the age of five is fine. They believe even though advertising contains negative contents, parents can guide their children into the right direction. However, even if parents can allow them to do so, I don't think advertising targeting young children should be allowed for following two reasons: first, children are easily affected by the media and second, it is likely to lead to unnecessary consumption.
First of all, young children can easily be influenced by advertising contents because they are not mature enough to differentiate whether the content is good or bad. Especially children under the age of five are at very crucial stage that can absorb absolve almost everything they see and hear without any judgement. idea를 좀 더 발전시켜서 구체적으로 아이들이 쉽게 영향받는 것이 어떤 점에서 안 좋은지를 명확하게 해주세요. 단순히 아이들은 판단력이 부족하고 뭐든 받아들여서 영향받기 쉽다, 하는 내용만으로는 '왜' 반대하는지가 명확하지 않지요. 보는 것마다 따라해서 위험해질 수 있다거나 뭐든 진짜로 믿어서 현실과 허구에 대한 개념이 미약해질 수 있다거나 하는 식으로 좀 더 idea를 발전시켜주는 것이 좋습니다. For instance, my niece Jin was used to be allowed watch television when he was four years old. Since his parents were too busy doing their work, Jin was easily exposed to the condition that he can see a commercial without parent's proper guidance. permission. One day, he watched an advertisement * advertising describing repelling the enemy with laser toy gun, and he soon got fascinated by the scene. (* advertisement 광고, 광고물 / advertising 광고하기, 광고업) After a while, he started acting like a hero to his parents by poking or hitting heating them with any tool he could can grab. My aunt and his wife ended up having hard time fixing Jin's bad habit. As this example illustrates, advertising towards young children can have a huge impact in a negative way. 적절한 내용의 사례입니다. 사례 내용에서처럼 '아이들이 위험한 행동을 할 수 있다' 정도로 idea를 발전시켜주면 좋을 것 같아요.
On top of that, watching advertising at an early age may lead to unnecessary purchase for their parents. Since advertisements advertising have strong visual and or sound effects effect, it is likely to attract children easily and make them want to buy something. 아이들이 쉽게 현혹되어 물건을 사고 싶게 만드는 것이 '왜' 부모님의 불필요한 소비로 이어지게 만드는지에 대한 설명이 더 필요합니다. 단순히 아이들이 현혹된다는 내용에서 마무리될 경우 불필요한 소비와 광고와의 관련성을 보여줄 수 없지요. 논증이 마무리되도록 내용을 더 보완해서 아이들이 부모를 조르거나 부모에게 요구함으로써 불필요한 소비를 조장할 수 있다는 점을 더 연결해주세요. According the research done by Michigan University in 2007, two groups were compared. One group was consisted of parents who had have children never see seen advertisements advertising before, and parents in on the other group had have children had watched watch advertisements advertising more than one hour a day. The result was amazing. While parents of the former group A barely spent money on unnecessary toys, the group B used more money for toys than those in the other group others by 40%. This research shows that letting children who watch advertisements advertising often results result in unnecessary consumption. 적절한 내용의 사례입니다. 단어 사용이나 문법표현 면에서 전달력이 떨어질 수 있으니 수정된 부분들 참고해주세요^^
To sum up, advertising has a great influence on young children. As stated, they are easily affected by advertising contents because they are not mature enough to criticize the content. Also, this can cause allow parents to make have unwanted consumption due to their children's childrens' desire. Therefore, I firmly believe Television advertising directed toward children under the age of five should not be allowed.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair (17–23)
완결된 형태의 에세이를 제시했다는 점이나 나름의 논리와 사례가 적절하게 제시되어 있다는 점은 좋지만, idea가 너무 피상적이거나(body1) 주장에 대한 논증이 충분히 이루어지지 않은 부분들(body2)이 감점요인이 되었습니다. 정확히 어떤 점에서 부정적이라 생각하는지를 appeal해줄 수 있도록 idea를 더 발전시켜주시고 '이래서 이렇다'하는 논리적인 흐름이 충분히 잘 보여질 수 있도록 내용을 보완해서 improve해주세요. 충분히 good level대의 점수도 가능하실 거예요^^ 글의 방향 자체를 잘 잡아두셨으니 간단하게 내용 다듬어서 revise해보시는 것도 좋을 것 같아요. 코멘트 참고해서 검토해주세요. 수고많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!