Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Universities should give the same amount of money to their students' sports activities as they give to their university libraries. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
People disagree over the statement that universities should give the same amount of money to their students' sports activities as they give to their university libraries. Some people believe that libraries that are is necessary for study are more important than sports activities while others argue sports activities to make students healthy are as important as libraries. I strongly believe, however, that that universities should spend the same amount of money on for making an infra of sports activities as they do on for libraries because of student's health and improving their social abilities.
To begin with, sports activities allow student to be healthy mentally and physically. Most students suffer from stress stresses about exam, career, employment and etc. *stress는 불가산명사이므로 수량표현을 사용하지 않습니다. They need places or activities to relax their stress. In addition, most of them don't have enough time and money to go excercising out of campus. If universities had many facilities for of sports, it students could be easy for students to reach and use them and they would be healthier. Moreover, that could improve students' performance because students' stress would be alleviated by sports. So they focus on studying more and increase their study-efficiency. Many studies also show shows that stress stresses excerbates excerbate human's ability and excercise improves improve human's performance and health. That is why the value of sports activities must be weighed as much as the value of libraries. 여러 연구에서 증명되었다는 내용 역시 구체적으로 '어떤' 연구에서 어떤 점을 보여줬는지를 설명해주는 편이 신빙성 면에서 더 좋습니다. / 신체적, 정신적 건강 자체에 초점을 두고 내용을 풀어낼 것인지 공부에 필요한 체력과 마음가짐을 길러줘서 성적이 좋아진다는 내용을 주된 내용으로 할지 정리해서 내용을 다듬어주는 편이 unity면에서 더 좋겠습니다. 현재 문단은 '건강' 과 관련된 내용이 제시되다가 갑자기 성적과 공부에 대한 내용이 새로 등장하기 때문에 문단의 내용이 전체적으로 연결된다는 느낌이 부족합니다. 성적에 도움이 된다는 점이나 건강에 도움이 된다는 점 모두 reasonable한 주장이지만, 짧은 문단 안에 너무 여러 내용이 들어가면 내용의 전달력이 떨어질 수 있거든요. 하나의 중심내용으로 다듬어서 사례 내용을 더 구체화하는 방식으로 improve해주시면 좋을 것 같아요^^
On top of that, sports activities could intensify students' capacities that are is necessary in the society. There are many requirements in the society such as leadership, responsibility, and sociality. These cannot be gained procured by studying only in the library. Students' Students have to participate in various social activities the club of such as the sports and other club activitiesactivity and experience the feature of the group behavior for obtaining them. social skills를 배우는 것이 중요하다는 점이나 이것이 다양한 스포츠 활동을 통해 얻어질 수 있다는 설명이 적절합니다. '학교에서 투자해야 한다'는 나의 입장과 연결되도록 '학교에서 도서관만큼 스포츠분야에도 투자해서 잘 활성화하면 학생들이 social skills를 잘 배울 수 있을 것이다'하는 식으로 논지를 강화해주는 것도 좋을 것 같아요. For instance, in my case, my university offered has so many sports activities that got fund from the university that I could take part in many of them. I learned the skill of managing a group as a the leader of the sports club. clubs. As a result, I've been helped in my company by that experience. For these reason, Likewise, sports activities as well as libraries should be necessitated to students who are preparing for enter the society.
Considering of the benefits benefit of to students' health and social skills, enhancing their abilities that the society needs, I hold the opinion that universities should give the same amount of money to their students' sports activities as they give to their university libraries. Therefore, universities will give students the chance to succeed in the society.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair (17–23)
스포츠활동의 장점을 설명해서 투자의 필요성으로 연결한 방향이 좋습니다. 표현이 어색하거나 문법 오류가 많아 전달력이 떨어진다는 점, 여러 가지 내용이 한 문단에 등장해서 문단의 unity가 부족하다는 점(body1), 설명이 다소 피상적이어서 구체적으로 '왜' 사회생활에 도움이 된다는 것인지 설명이 부족하다는 점(body2)에 중점을 두고 검토하시면 improve할 부분들이 눈에 잘 띄실 거예요^^ 표현과 구성을 다듬어서 전하고자 하는 내용이 잘 전달되도록 revise해보시는 것도 좋을 것 같아요. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!