Why students of NY score better than students of Hawaii? Students spend more than one-fourth of their life with teachers, so teachers are responsible for their children's performance. Therefore teachers should be evaluated and paid for the feat of their children. This is one of the most partial and unfair statement. Even if children took much time with their teachers, they are more affected by other factors such as things given from their parents. Moreover the statement is absurb due to the fact that measuring the performance of children is rather abstract and obscuring. ( 주제가 불확실?한 느낌을 받습니다. 예시를 반대로 적으면 어떨까요? 긍정 하는게 아닌이상 꼭 NY예시를 넣을 필요는 없을것 같습니다. 문장 짜임새 very good ! )
To begin with, children are rather got influences from other features than teachers. ( good start ) The factors can be varied. It could be parents' expectation from children, the environment they are exposed to, and children's own incentives. Children who have parents working in the WallStreets are more likely to get higher score or be interested in going lawschool. This environment factor determines how students will behave. US, recently stated the program which is called "Head start program". It is the project to let children in poor house to study just like children from the wealthy. This is proceeded since the US government figure out how opportunities that were given to students without effort greatly conclude what students will be. Back the the core, just like this program implies, rather than teacher variety of other factors actually determines the performance of the students. Therefore it might be unfair for teachers to be paid base on the students behaviors. If it will be realized, obviously, teachers who teach students from the middle class will get more paying than those from the poor. ( good )
Moreover, the performance is hard to be quantified. Someone might think the performance is directly related to the score from the report card. However, it is not. School is the place to teach not only study but also many other things such as perspectives of the ancestor and culture. How could this be measured? Even if we acknowledge teacher should be evaluated by students' performance, the means to quantify the performance from students are too abstract to be reality. In addition to this problem, who will be evaluate the performance of students is another matter. Obviously teacher should not ( should not what? please mention specifically )since they might give everyone high score. Students could be the one who can measure their behavior, however, they are premature to do so. We can't believe children's opinion fully. Some might consider the third person. However they are also not appropriate. It is due to ,again, they do not have specific measurement and it is hard for those third people to determine childrens' behavior in such a short time. All those problems are causation of lack measuring methods.( good )
To conclude, teachers should not paid relying on children's behavior since the performance is the result of many factors and the ways to determine children's performance is not clear. ( conclusion 부분이 너무 짧습니다. body부분을 좀더 sum-up시켜 evaluate시켜 끝내 주세요.. intro body 1, 2 는 잘썼는데 conlcusion이 이렇게 짧다보면 에세이가 끊어져 보입니다. )
- 전반적으로 잘썼어요
- 하지만 intro 와 conclusion부분 짜임에 대해 다시 한번 생각해주시고
- support해주는것, sum-up하는것 신경 써주세요
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Good (24–30)
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