It is better to spend time with one or two close friends than with a large number of friends.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
An intriguing topic of discussion at hand is whether it is better to spend time with a small number of friends than with a large number of friends. The answer to this question can vary greatly depending on individuals’ perspectives. Thus, the jury may still be out. As far as I am concerned, I am complete agreement with the statement that it is better to spend time with many friends at once for the reasons as follows.
First of all, it is effective because people are able to broaden their social connections at once by getting together with a large number of friends. By spending time together with a lot of people, people naturally have a chance to get along with many kinds of people working in various fields. These days, the significance of widening social connections is getting higher due to the fact that there are many kinds of situations requiring help from experts working in other fields. In this context, it would be easier for people who prefer to spend their time with many friends to get help from friends working in different fields. 한 번에 여러 친구들을 만나는 것이 '인맥을 넓힌다'라는 설명이 잘 이해되지 않습니다. 여러 사람들을 만난다는 것이 이미 넓은 인간관계를 가지고 있다는 설명이 되기 때문에 인맥을 넓힌다는 논리가 부자연스럽게 느껴집니다. 여러 친구들을 사귀는 것/적은 친구를 사귀는 것을 비교하는 문제가 아니라 [여러 친구들과 함께 시간을 보내는 것/ 소수의 친구들과 시간을 보내는 것] 자체를 두고 비교하는 것이기 때문에 논제가 묻는 뉘앙스와는 조금 다른 흐름이 될 수 있을 것 같아요. 완전히 어긋나는 부분은 아니니 논제 내용에 맞게 idea를 발전시켜서 다듬어보셔도 좋겠습니다. To take my personal experience for example, when I was involved in a car accident, I was panic and I had no idea what to do in the situation. At the moment, one of my friends working in insurance company comes to my mind and I called him asking for advice. Thanks to his help, I was able to overcome difficulties smoothly. After that, I called one of my other friends working in car repair center and he also gave me a big help. One of my friends working as a therapist even gave me a massage to calm me down. As seen in this case, thanks to I had spent my time with many friends I would have been able to solve the difficult situation very well. 사례 내용 역시 마찬가지로 많은 친구를 사귀면 좋은 점에 대해 설명하고 있으므로 논제가 묻는 내용에서 벗어나 있습니다.
Furthermore, it is much more fun to hang out with different types of people. This is because people can supplement one another’s weakness. 서로의 약점을 보완해준다는 것과 즐거운 시간을 보내는 것은 아무런 관련이 없습니다. 여러 친구들과 시간을 보내면 '왜' 더 즐거운 시간이 될 수 있는지를 설명해야 하고, 이 부분에서 초점은 '여러 명의 친구들'에 있어야 합니다. 서로 다른 성향의 친구들이 모이기 때문에 새로운 것을 시도해보기 좋다거나, 인원이 많을수록 할 수 있는 활동이 많다거나 하는 식의 흐름을 생각해볼 수 있지요. To take my personal story for example, my friends and I planned a large party to celebrate my friend’s wedding. Our group consisted consists of fifteen friends, so it was much easier for us to prepare for the party because everyone took certain roles that individuals are good at. To be specific, my friend Bob whose major was is music played the piano and Susan who was is good at singing sang a song for bride and groom. In case of me, I was am good at cooking, so I made some food as a present. 불변하는 진실이 아닌 경우는 보통 시제를 맞춰서 써 주는 편이 좋습니다. (ex. 나는 요리를 잘 했기 때문에 요리를 선물로 해줬다.) Like this, all of my friends took roles and we could have the best party ever. This example clearly proves that getting along with a large number of friends is better in that it is more enjoyable.
In conclusion, I strongly argue for my standpoint on account of the two reasons mentioned above. Once again, although the verdict may still be out, I personally believe that it is better to get along with many friends than just a few friends in that people can widen their connections and have more fun.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair (17–23)
논제가 묻는 내용에서 어긋날 수 있는 부분들(body1)을 바로잡아주시고, 주장에 대한 설명이 부족한 부분들(body2)을 더 보완해주세요. 시간조절 연습을 하실 때에도 기본적인 개요를 먼저 꼼꼼하게 잡아둔 뒤에 살을 붙여가는 형태로 구성해야 논리 오류를 줄일 수 있습니다. 코멘트와 함께 검토해주세요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!