people today pay too much attention to the personal lives of celebrities.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Some people say that modern day people care only about themselves them selves. This is only partially true, since people have been busy focusing on their issues that they might have overlooked if they were focusing on celebrities' personal lives. Nevertheless, I strongly believe that people today pay spend too much time on watching TV attention to celebrities' private lives, because people tend to seek more excitement from other people's lives and a lot of celebrities appeal to their fans not to interfere with their lives.
To start with, people in nowadays are inclined to focus on TV's celebrities' personal lives, since it is an excitement that people can't discover in their own lives. They believe that celebrities' personal lives must be more special than theirs. In addition, they seek amusement from celebrities' personal lives as a desperate attempt to deviate from their stereotyped routine. 오늘날 사람들이 TV에 나오는 스타의 사생활에 관심을 많이 갖는다는 일반진술이나 이를 통해 특별함과 기쁨을 얻고자 한다는 내용 자체는 논제에 대한 답변이 될 수 없습니다. 답안에서 내가 제시해야 하는 부분은 내가 오늘날 사람들의 관심이 지나치다고 생각하는 이유이므로 유명인사들의 생활에 대한 사람들의 관심이 지나치다고 볼 수 있는 명확한 근거들을 제시해주세요. 단순히 즐거움을 느낀다, 하는 일반진술만으로는 '과하다'라는 부분을 풀어내기 어렵습니다. For example, many media medias deal with celebrities' personal lives and affairs. These topics covering celebrities' personal lives have been increasing since the day televisions were television was invented. This tendency is indicative of people's increasing interest in many celebrities' lives. As a result, many people, especially teenagers deviate from their road that they should walk on.
Secondly, many celebrities suffer from lack of privacy, and appeal to their fans please not to interfere with their private lives. 단순한 관심이 아니라 도가 지나친 관심이라는 것을 입증할 수 있는 논거로 '많은 유명인사들이 사생활 침해로 고통받는다'라는 idea는 아주 적절합니다. Their private lives are well known to their fans, because there are parasite like paparazzi, photographing celebrities personal lives. As a result, lawsuit of celebrities regarding privacy issue has have increased compared to a few years ago. These celebrities sometimes suffer from severe depression, due to the lack of privacy, indicating that people too much care about their personal lives. For example, there is a case of that very famous actress' actress's private photo with her boy friend got out spread on the internet by paparazzi, and she eventually sued the paparazzi. The paparazzi had to remunerate a large amount of fine. 이 사례가 주장과 관련해 어떤 점을 시사하는지에 대한 설명이 필요합니다. 예증을 제시할 때는 main idea와의 관련성과 함의를 충분히 설명할 수 있어야 문단의 논리적 구성을 보여줄 수 있습니다.
In summary, as I mentioned above, people's attention in celebrities' personal lives is are over excessive. As a result, many celebrities suffer from lack of privacy, and some even suffer from severe depression. I think people need to step back from the excitement of watching celebrities' private lives.
서론에서 충분히 논제를 파악했다는 인상은 주고 있지만 body1에서 제시하고 있는 idea가 모호하기 때문에 limited-fair level정도의 점수대가 예상됩니다. 단순히 '유명인사의 사생활침해문제', 'TV의 사생활 관련 방송'과 같은 키워드에 대해서 풀어내는 것만으로는 충분히 '논증'할 수 없는 경우가 많습니다. 단계적 구성을 고려해서 설명들이 나의 입장으로 귀결될 수 있도록 논리 연결해주세요. 코멘트 참고하셔서 내용 수정보완해주시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Good (24–30)
Fair (17–23)
Limited (1–16)