First impressions tell a lot about people.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Many people are inclined to judge people from their appearances. Their inclination is not entirely wrong, because some part of human subconscious does manifest itself it self through human's facial appearances. Nevertheless, it is wrong to judge people solely by their looks, because in real world, only the action matters and also, like icebergs, most of people's true aspect is hidden inside.
To start with, first impressions only tell about people's small portion of them. 첫인상이 많은 것을 말해주지 않는다는 내용은 이미 서론에서 제시한 나의 입장에 해당하는 내용이므로 반복이 불필요합니다. body단계에서는 더 구체적으로 왜 그렇게 생각하는지에 대한 근거와 설명을 제시해주세요. Since what manifests through trough people's looking is very superficial, since we can't tell what is the people thinking about by looking at one's looking. In this sense, most of people's deep thoughts and emotions are buried deep down in their minds, indicating that judging people solely on their looking is narrow-minded. 내용의 구성단계는 적절하지만, 앞서 설명한 것 처럼 단순히 '첫인상이 알려주는 부분은 극히 적다'하는 반복적인 진술이 아니라 구체적인 idea를 제시한 뒤에 설명을 이어주세요. 사람에 대해 알려면 생각이나 의견, 감정 등을 공유해야 하는데 첫인상에서는 이런 것을 알 수 없다는 내용을 제시해서 구체화할 수 있겠습니다. For example, when I saw my girl friend for the first time, I thought she was a bit cold and unfriendly, because she was answering very abruptly and coldly abrupt and cold to whatever I said say to her. But over time, it turned out she was acting so cool because she was shy. 사례 내용 역시 main idea를 명확하게 정한 뒤에 그에 맞게끔 다듬고 연관성을 설명해주세요.
Secondly, in real world what matters is the person's action, not their appearance. Many people forget this simple fact, because they are confusing between the world through TV programs and real life. On the contrary to this, normal people don't have such good looking and have their own personalities. In this sense, the most important aspect of judging people is their action, not their looking. Because their actions are actually capable of changing the world little by little. To support my opinion, an interview was conducted to CEOs, asking what do they see when their employees make mistakes. Most of them answered, they look how their employee try to make up the mistake he or she has have made. Needless to say, they didn't judge people by their looking. Because They know what matters is person's actions. OFF-TOPIC 논제가 묻는 것은 첫인상으로 사람을 판단하는 것에 대한 가치판단이 아니라, 단순히 첫인상으로 사람을 파악할 수 있다/없다에 대한 내용입니다. 따라서 사람을 볼 때 중요한 것은 action이라는 주장은 논제에 대한 답변이 될 수 없으므로 off topic에 해당합니다. 첫인상이 아니라 행동으로 사람을 파악할 수 있다는 반대의견을 제시할 수는 있지만, 행동이 중요하고 행동이 세상을 바꿀 수 있다는 idea는 논제에 대한 답변이 될 수 없지요. 논제 내용을 다시 점검하시고 알맞은 답안이 되도록 수정해주세요.
In summary, there are many people who make a judgement judges about people solely by their first impressions. However, their way of viewing has serious disadvantages, for the reasons I stated above. Therefore, I strongly believe that people's first impression is not that important matter.
limited level
전반적으로 idea와 논리적 구성이 논제에 대한 답안으로 보기에 부족한 점이 많습니다. 논제에서 묻는 점을 명확하게 파악하고 그에 대한 답변이 단계적으로 설명될 수 있도록 idea를 develop해주세요. 코멘트 참고하셔서 내용 improve해주시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Good (24–30)
Fair (17–23)
Limited (1–16)