Students learn more important things in life inside the classroom than outside the classroom
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
In today’s globalized society, it is widely believed that students learn more in their classroom rather than outside the classroom. Some people advocate that students can learn more in classrooms because there are teachers’ help, peers who study together and academic atmosphere. However, I disagree with this view. I firmly believe that students can learn not only academic knowledge but also important life lessons outside the classes. This is because first, they can relieve their stress and second, students can broaden their perspective by doing extracurricular activities.
First of all, learning outside the classrooms is more important because it helps students relieve their stress and restore the health. 교실 밖에서 무언가를 배우는 것이 중요한 이유가 아니라 말 그대로 교실 밖에서도 중요한 것들을 배울 수 있다는 입장이므로 topic에서 벗어난다는 느낌이 듭니다. 논제가 묻는 내용은 교실 밖에서도 많이 배운다, 에 대한 구체적인 근거와 설명인데 현재의 idea는 교실 밖에서 공부하면 스트레스가 풀려서 좋다는 내용을 담고 있으므로 "learning more important things"와 관련이 없지요. 다시 논제를 점검하셔서 알맞은 답변이 될 수 있도록 주장을 다듬어주세요. 이후의 내용처럼 '스트레스를 조절하는 법을 배울 수 있다'하는 식으로 learning에 초점을 맞춰서 풀어줄 수 있겠습니다. <교실밖에서 배우는 것vs.교실에서배우는것>정도로만 대립구도를 설정해놓으면 논점을 벗어난 답안이 나오기 쉬우니 꼭 논제가 묻는 내용을 정확하게 이해하고 idea를 develop해주세요^^ To be more specific, when students leave their classroom, they can feel free and enjoy their leisure time which as a result allows them to manage their stress, maintain health and build a quality life. Actually, stress is a major cause of several diseases, short life span and dissatisfying life in general. As such, people in on modern society should actively find the ways to reduce their stress and stay healthy. Students can do this when they are released from the school. When I was young, school time was really stressful because I had to stay ahead and absorb information without rest. When I came back home, I went to bed immediately due to severe fatigue. My parents wanted to help me, so they planned to go on to a trip with me. After the trip I felt happy and I could forget about stressful aspect of my life. My health state was also enhanced. Through this experience, I realized that we cannot live quality life without outclass activities. Therefore, parents and teachers should offer some entertainment for students to enjoy outside of classroom. 단순히 스트레스를 푸는 것이 중요하다는 걸 배울 수있다는 내용이 아니라, activities outside the classroom을 통해 스트레스를 풀고 조절하는 방법을 알게 된다는 점을 강조하는 편이 논제에 대한 답변으로 더 적절할 것 같아요. 앞서 코멘트했듯이 논제에 대한 답이 될 수 있도록 내용을 함께 다듬어주세요.
Also, students can broaden their perspective by extracurricular activities outside the school. In other words, classrooms in school are some kind of closed society. Students’ views are limited because they always meet the same people. Playing or doing something outside helps help students become more open-minded which as a result allows them to better understand other cultures, different life styles and perspectives. As modern society is becoming increasingly globalized, today’s world requires people with a strong understand of international view. Students are able to grow into people whom the world wants by experiences from out of classes. 시야를 넓히고 다양한 관점에 대해 배울 수 있다는 내용이 적절하게 잘 설명되어 있습니다. 다양한 사람들을 만나야 다양한 관점에 대해 이해할 수 있다는 내용의 연결고리도 적절합니다. To illustrate, Steven Steve Jobs who is the founder of Apple Company made great accomplishments in his life time. I read online that he was really successful because he was global-minded and culturally sensitive. He could acquire an international mindset did this by going outside, meeting different people, traveling other country. In other words, he enjoyed his leisure time outside the school or company. Thus, it is legitimated to say that students should have their own time that can be used outside the campus. 적절한 내용의 사례입니다.
All things considered, it is my belief that my argument regarding to this topic is effectively and precisely delivered with the reasons mentioned above. Never should we forget that this issue may have a huge effect on our future.
에세이 구성이나 idea 설명 방식을 잘 숙지하고 계신 것 같은데, body1에서 논점이 어긋나는 부분이 살짝 아쉽습니다. 그래도 구성이나 표현이 좋기 때문에 전반적으로 fair level대의 점수는 무난히 받으실 수 있을 것 같아요. 논제를 다시 점검하셔서 알맞은 내용이 되도록 내용을 다듬어주세요. 코멘트 참고하셔서 논제에 맞는 맥락이 되도록 더 improve한다면 충분히 good level도 가능할 거예요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Good (24–30)
Fair (17–23)
Limited (1–16)