The purpose of television should be for education, not for entertainment.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
I disagree with the idea that the purpose of television should sould be for education, not for entertainment for several reasons: people can relieve stress by watching television and it is not good to watch television for a long time therefore it is not suitable for education.
To begin with, watching entertainment on television for a while will help people to relieve stress. This is attributed to the fact that because people are so free and relaxed at home that it will be easy for them to relieve stress by watching entertainmnet programs on television. 집에서 사람들이 편하게 느끼기 때문에 오락프로그램을 보면 스트레스가 풀린다는 내용은 오히려 집의 편안함이 스트레스를 풀어준다는 내용처럼 보일 수 있으므로 다른 변수는 제시하지 않는 편이 더 좋습니다. entertaining programs을 봄으로써 현실의 걱정을 잊을 수 있고 스트레스를 풀 수 있다, 하는 식으로 키워드에 초점을 두고 풀어주세요. According to a research done by Seoul National University, people did survey on questions asking when they watch television the most and what kind of programs they watch for what purpose. There were people using television for educational purpose. However, majority of people answered that they watch television at home after they returned from work or school to relax. This implies that people mostly watch entertaining programs entertainings on television to relax. Therefore, there should be more entertainings on television.
In addtion, watching television for educational purpose is not suitable. This is due to the fact that people who are watching viewers have to focus on the screen, watching it for a quite a long time without doing something else and therefore it will give negative effect on the person's health. 스크린에만 집중하면 건강에 왜 나쁜 영향을 주는지에 대한 설명을 보완해주시고, 이것이 왜 교육적인 프로그램을 방송할 필요가 없는 이유로 연결되는지에 대한 충분한 근거를 제시해주세요. 단순히 TV를 오래 보면 건강이 나쁘다는 논리는 재미있는 오락프로그램을 오래 보더라도 해당되는 내용이므로 설득력이 떨어집니다. There was a research done by hospitals in Seoul. The research was about the effect on people who watch television. There were two groups compared. Group A with people who watched television for a certain purpose that they had to focus on the television at all the time and Group B with people who watched television just for fun. After they were done watching, they had health check-up. Researchers found out that Group A had more negative effects than those in Group B especially for the eye health. This implies that watching television for educational purpose is not a good idea because people have to focus all time on television while the lecture is going on. 교육적인 목적으로 TV프로그램을 만드는 것이 부적합하다는 논지 자체는 적절합니다. 그러나 앞서 코멘트했듯이 설명 부분의 연결고리를 보완해서 논리적인 구성을 더 보완할 필요가 있습니다. 사례 내용 자체는 그대로 사용해도 괜찮을 것 같습니다.
In brief, the purpose of televisions should be for entertainment, not for education as watching entertainments can give a positive effect on people by helping them relieve stress and as watching television for educational purpose can harm people's health because they have to watch it for quite a long time only concentrating on the screen.
논제에 대한 이해도는 충분히 보여주고 있지만 그에 대한 idea와 설명을 풀어내는 과정에서 논리적인 구성이나 연결고리가 부족한 부분들이 많습니다. fair level정도의 점수대가 예상됩니다. 논점에서 어긋나는 부분이나 애매한 부분들을 보완해서 clear한 논리를 보여줄 수 있도록 improve해주세요. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Good (24–30)
Fair (17–23)
Limited (1–16)