Do you agree or disagree to the following statement?
Classmates are a more important influence on a child’s success in school than parents
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Some argue that classmates have more influence over parents in children’s success in school, because they spend most of the time with classmates classmate. However, in my point of view, parents are more influential than classmates. That is, children’s social skills are first-handedly acquired by parents at first hand rather than by classmates and students who are from stable and secure family show excellence in academic performance.
The first and the foremost reason is that a child’s social skills, which are the most crucial element of success in school is acquired by parents at home. That is, the first relationship a child builds is with his or her parents. To elaborate further, children learn essential communication skills which they will use interacting with others from their parents. Therefore, parents’ influence is way more important than the classmates. 적절한 idea와 설명입니다. 학교생활의 성공과 연결지어서 social skill을 설명하고, 이것을 부모로부터 배운다는 점을 제시해서 연결고리를 만든 부분이 아주 좋습니다. According to a research done by Seoul National University in South Korea, children who have had a better relationship with their parents had 80% higher chance to succeed in socializing compared to the children who did had not. In this regard, it is obvious that parents are way more influential than classmates in success in school.
Another equally important reason is that children from happy family tend to show excellent academic performance. That is, since children from secure and stable environment are able to focus on their study more, they score higher on the exam. Moreover, parents’ guidance in such happy family plays a positive role in success in school. idea가 명확하고 연결고리들이 잘 제시되어 있습니다. 시간여유가 된다면 내용을 더 보완해서 가정환경이 공부에 왜 중요한지 내용을 더 구체화해도 좋을 것 같아요. According to a study done by Ministry of Education of South Korea, children who were raised from secure and happy family excelled in exams by 80% than those students who were not. 안정적인 가정환경에서 자란 아이들이 성적이 더 좋았다는 내용만 제시하기보다는 연구자들의 의견이나 나의 해석을 덧붙여서 '실제로 가정환경과 성적이 높은 관련성을 가지고 있더라'하는 식으로 논점을 appeal해주세요. 이 과정에서 가정환경은 부모에게 달려 있다는 점을 함께 강조해주는 것도 좋을 것 같습니다. Looking at this figure, it is clear to me that parents’ influence at home is bigger than the one of classmates.
In conclusion, parents’ influence is far more powerful than the one of classmates because children learn basic social skills from their parents first, and healthy family environment affects affect children to perform better in school.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Good (24–30)
나의 입장을 뒷받침하기 위한 idea들이 뚜렷하고 그에 대한 설명 역시 단계적으로 잘 이루어져 있습니다^^ 전반적으로 논리 흐름이 매끄러워서 충분히 good level대 점수도 가능하지 않을까 싶습니다. 다만 분량 면에서 좀 더 보완되는 편이 좋을 것 같아요. 문제에서는 300 단어를 요구하지만 보통 논리적인 흐름이나 구체적인 사례를 꼼꼼하게 제시한 글의 경우 400-500단어 정도를 사용하게 됩니다. 사례 내용을 둘 다 연구결과 형태로 제시하셨는데, 하나 정도는 경험담이나 보도자료 정도로 다듬어서 더 구체적으로 풀어내는 것도 좋겠습니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!