▶ Your Answer :
There are there might be some people who believe that learning about foreign countries from various media rather than visiting those countries. however I disagree with the above idea for the two following reasons. ( 핵심적이지만 핵심적인 주제로 들어가기에 앞서 좀 더 주제에 대한 설명? 시선을 끌수 있는 문구, 설명등을 필요로 합니다.)
first of all, to visit other countries make us experience real things. It is not through travel book or newspaper. or each periodical but Wwe can do everything directly through seeing, touching and feeling. Tthese sensible experiences help us to study diverse things such as culture, food, people and idea. let me bring up my personal story as an example. I have traveled a china twice times. before I have been there, I only had learned and known china by television and travel book but going there, I had got a variety of experiences. although I have tripped there for 3 days, I have gotten valuable experiences and things much more than indirect means.way ( 항상 대문자 주의 해주세요, 문장이 너무 simple합니다. 부가 설명을 필요로 합니다)
Ssecond, getting the information by means of media has a lot of problems. Tthey might offer only one side opinion or ideas. therefore we will assume that believe them too strong then we are able to prejudge another countries and However, It is these believes are wrong. Aaccording to a recent research by korea government, there are they found that about 60% media offer wrong information to people. this clearly shows that believing media means is not good. (역시나 대문자 주의,
In conclusion, to travel Traveling around world give us to have vivid experiences so we can obtain crucialreal information things. also learning the world via media has bad sides that have influence on our view.
for these reasons, I strongly believe that to visit other countries is good so that we rightly learn about them. ( conclustion이 정리가 안되어 있네요..conclusion 은 문단을 마무리 짓는 부분입니다. 좀 더 논리 적으로 정리해 주세요 )
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (16–21)
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수고 하셨어요 !
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