Some people express their worries about increasing the number of child-in-kangaroo-pocket. These children are who do not tend to be alone when they confront new challenges. However, I believe children in these days are less dependent on their parents rather than past children. tell me why? This rationale behind the fact that spending time with parents is declining and today's parents have less chance to have a communication with their children.( 마지막 문장 하나를 더 써주세요. 이러이러한 이유로 나는 이렇게 생각한다.. 정리하는식의 문장/ 문법 좋습니다. 더 다양한 구문 연습도 !)
To be first, children scarcely get a chance to spend time with their parents nowadays, compared with past children. Current society pushes parents work hard to survive in competition. Hence, they are too busy to care their children themselves. It is not easy to be with, talk with, and have a journey with their children today. It is natural that children do all things independently. For instance, according to the result of Seoul National University's survey, only 20 percent of children in 20 century share time with their mother or father or both more than 3 days per week. On the other hand, almost 1900s' children spent time with their parents, at least one of them, more than 5.2 days per week. Likewise, there are lots of door-key children lives in this world. ( 마찬가지로 이러한 연구는 이런걸 증명한다..라는 정리?해줄수 있는 문장을 애드 해주면 더 professional 하게 보일 수 있습니다/ good body paragraph )
In second, parents in these days have difficult time with a difficulty their children in communication. This is because parents have shallow understanding of young age’s culture. Parents have no enough time to take care of their children, thus they usually let them alone. Children then are easily to be exposed in electronic devices such as smart phone, computer, Nintendo, and so on: this is big difference with children in the past that did not have chances to play those things. Children gradually share their emotions or what they think about with their friends, not parents, in time when they play those devices together. They cannot, or might not want to, share their thoughts with their parents because parents who do not have enough experiences in children’s culture would not understand them. This makes children independent earlier than children in the past. ( very good ! )
To sum up, I firmly believe that children nowadays are less dependent on their parents than past children. This is because they do not have enough time to be with as well as share points to communicate. ( conclusion 너무 빈약합니다. conlcusion 은 문단을 끝맺음 하는 부분입니다. 인트로와 바디 의 모든 핵심 내용을 넣어야 하는 아주 중요한 부분이구요.
처음과 바디 너무 좋다가 문단이 뚝 끊어져 보일 수 있습니다 주의하세요)
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
fair - good (18~24)
아주 좋습니다.
하지만 conclusion이 너무 빈약합니다.
마지막 부분 sum-up하는 부분 연습해주세요.
문법 좋습니다 하지만 더 다양한 구문 연습해주세요
수고하셨어요