Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
It is more advantageus for children to grow up in rural areas than in big cities.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Many people have different views on where children should grow up. Some people may argue that the growing up in rural areas is more beneficial than in urban cities for children. However I don’t have a different idea that it is more helpful to live in urban cities when people are young because this gives the opportunities to have diverse experiences and make various friends.
To begin with, spending the youth period in urban creates many chances. To be specific, children in urban generally have diverse experiences because the cities offer many kinds of facilities for children to learn various fields such as sports, arts, and music. It is clear that children living in these cities tend to achieve their dreams and goals. 많은 경험을 하는 것이 좋다는 점과 도시에서 많은 경험을 할 수 있다는 점을 연결한 부분이 아주 좋습니다. For example, one of my friends was very good at playing the violin *(악기이름에는 the관사를 붙여주는 경우가 많습니다) when she was young. However, she could not find a good place where to have professional teachers after moving in to a rural area, so that she gave up her dream to be a violinist. This reflects that it’s difficult for children to take high quality of education educations in rural areas. On the contrary to this, cities can provide children with more facilities and educational chances. *교외지역에 양질의 시설이 없다는 내용이 곧 도시에는 많다는 것을 의미하는 것은 아니기 때문에 도시에 대한 설명이 별도로 필요합니다. Thus, living in big cities is more advantageous for children.
On top of that, children are easy to make various friends in urban areas. In the country side, the population of young people is constantly declining. This means that children in rural areas rarely can have chance to make good friends in the same age. 앞서 설명한 것과 마찬가지로 교외지역에서 또래친구를 사귀기 어렵다는 점이 도시에서 많은 친구를 사귈 수 있다는 점을 모두 설명해줄 수는 없으므로, 이와 대조되는 '도시지역'의 설명이 보완되어야 합니다. body1에서 많은 경험이 좋다->도시에서 많은 경험을 한다->도시에서 살면 좋다, 라는 연결고리가 뚜렷했던 것처럼 현재 문단에서도 연결고리를 잘 살려서 논증을 구성해주세요. According to a study conducted by Gallup, people who have diverse friends tend to success in their life than people who have few friends. Therefore, it is clear that if children live in urban areas, they would be more successful in the future.
To sum up, first, living in a big city creates opportunities for children to have diverse experience in a better circumstance. Second, the children in cities urban tend to be more successful because they can make various friends. In For these reasons, I firmly insist that it is more beneficial for children to grow up in big cities.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (16–22)
논제에 대한 이해도가 높고, 나의 입장을 뒷받침하기 위한 각 문단의 idea가 적절합니다. 다만 그 idea에 대한 설명이 부족한 부분들이나 사례 내용에서 더 보완할 부분들이 감점요인이 됩니다. 문제에서는 300 단어를 요구하지만 보통 논리적인 흐름이나 구체적인 사례를 꼼꼼하게 제시한 글의 경우 400-500단어 정도를 사용하게 됩니다. 시간여유를 두고 내가 생각한 개요에 살을 더 붙여가면서 논리를 보완해주세요. 코멘트 참고하셔서 내용 수정보완해주시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!