As society gradually becomes more volatile and complicated than before, accumulating a particular-and-specialized knowledge is required for those who would like to well compete (become successful 로 해도 괜찮을 꺼 같아요) in the society. Meanwhile, every single people has their own interests, which could be completely different from others, and more importantly, it is very likely that people can maximize their capability when they are being engaged in areas for which they long. In this regards, I firmly believe that high school students should be permitted to choose which subjects they will study. The most prominent grounds will be discussed below. (Perfect. Clap clap) To begin with, high school students are entitled to choose as to who he or she wants to be. Moreover, they have discretion to pick up the fields where he or she would like to be involved. For example, some people might wish to run a business, whereas others might wants to be a doctor. Thus, in order to draw their future in a wise manner, schools have to let students choose subjects which they want to take. Given that school allows students to choose subjects by themselves, students will opt for subjects which either they are interested in or they are good at. It leads students to concentrate on chosen subjects throughout the class. (마지막 문장을 강조해서 professionalism 을 강조하면 더 강력한 argument 를 펼칠 수 있을 거 같아요)
Secondly, I disagree with the idea that entire subjects that government or schools mandated to students are necessary to all students. Considering the fact that the purpose of education is to discipline students by teaching academics, ethics, etc., a couple of essential subjects should be required to be taught, but students do not have to be taught identically under the fixed schedules designed by schools. Allowing students to have a chance to choose subjects which they want to learn is more desirable method to raise students. (이 문단에서는 freedom 과 개성이 발달될 수 있다는 점을 강조하면 금상첨화 일거 같아요)
To conclude, high school students are mature enough to judge what they want and who they become in the future. Furthermore, not all the subjects that schools force students to take are necessary for every students. Thus, in light of necessity as well as efficiency, it would be way better for high school students to choose the subjects they are willing to take. (좋은데요, 마지막에 opponent side 가 제시할만한 argument 를 얘기하고 이것을 반박을 하는 것도 한가지 방법입니다.)
(존경스러운 훈제연어님 format 좀 배낄께요)
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
29 ( 30점 주면 놀거 같아요 ㅋㅋ)
l 주장에 대한 근거 자체와 설명은 좋고
l 그 근거가 main idea 와 연결이 되고
l 아이디어 간의 연결도 충분합니다.
l 영어문법은 걱정을 안 하셔도 되고
l 그래도 더 자연스럽고 강한 argument 를 펼치려면 글쓴이가 잘 아는 단어를 이용하여 사소한 실수를 줄이는 연습을 하는 게 좋습니다
l 에세이를 쓰고 여러 번 proof read 하는 거 까먹지 마세요
l 완전 잘하세요!
수고 많으셨습니다^^ 꼭 120점 받으세요! 파이팅!
고객님 이였습니다 :)
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