the government should support science research on exploring outer space even if it doesn't have any practical use.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
A large number of people might argue that supporting science research on the expedition of outer space is impractical, so the governments should focus on only pragmatic use. Contrary to the peopler belief, I strongly believe that the government should subsidize science research on exploring outer space even if there is are no practical use immediately for the following two reasons: to improve quality of science and to boost economy.
To begin with, the government subsidy on outer space expedition can contribute to the advancement in space science on their country. This is due to the fact that the governments financial aids for science research can serve as one of the key motivators for scientists to concentrate on their tasks, perform better and feel more responsible for their work. With such motivation, scientists will be able to increase the quality of their research on outer space, which can increase the status of their country in space science. According to the Ministry of Education of Korea in1995, there was a big difference between two nations of scientists scientist in the achievement in the celestial body research. Scientists in Nation A received financial subsidy from the governments and those in Nation B did not. The researcher found that the quality of research of Nation A much higher than that of Nation B. After twenty years, the researchers found that scientists in Nation A increasingly developed the level of space science in their country and thus their country could increasingly progress in space science field in the world. This implies that the government aid for outer space research has a direct correlation with the development of science field.기본적으로 우주과학에 투자하는 것 자체가 '실용적이지 못한데도' 투자해야 하는 이유를 묻고 있으므로 우주과학에 투자해서 우주과학이 발전한다는 논리는 우주과학의 투자를 통해 우주과학이 발전하는 것이 '왜' 타당한지, '왜' 도움이 되는지에 대한 답변을 주지 못합니다. 우주 과학의 발전을 위해 투자하는 것이 어떻게 이익이 되는지를 보여주는 내용이 필요합니다. 우주과학 발전에 투자하는 것이 어떤 면에서 이익이 되는지를 보여줄 수 있도록 idea를 더 발전시켜서 재구성해주세요. 예를 들어 우주과학이 단순히 우주에만 관련된 것이 아니라 실용과학과도 밀접한 관련을 맺고 있기 때문에 우주과학의 투자가 크게 봤을 땐 과학 전반을 아우르는 발전, 사람들의 삶에 결국 도움을 줄 것이라거나 / 우주과학이 국가경쟁력을 대표하는 분야이기 때문에 나라의 위상에 도움이 된다, 하는 식으로 이점을 강조할 수 있지요.
In addition, the government's economic aid on science research will make a big contribution to the economic boost. It is attributed fact that with the government fund for science field especially space science, many massive businesses related to observatories, spacecrafts and laboratories will take place and formed many conglomerates. This trend will create millions of job openings, leading to the economic development. 우주발전에 투자함으로써 연계된 산업들이 활성화되면 일자리 창출로 경제발전에 도움이 된다는 논리 흐름이 좋습니다. 명확한 이점이 첫문장에 잘 제시된 점도 적절합니다. According to a study conducted by Seoul National University of Korea in 2012, after the government supported the science research field on spaceships, black holes, and milky way system in the late 1990's, the number of job openings has increased in geometrical progression. by geometric progress. The researchers found that the unemployment rate has decreased decreases drastically, which allowed people to spend more and thus it positively affected the overall economy. This shows that the government subsidy on space science is closely correlated has a direct correlation to the economic growth. 적절한 내용의 사례입니다.
In brief, although the government subsidy in outer space research seems to be unnecessary, I strongly believe that the advantages advantage of the government fund for space science far outweigh the disadvantages of that. All in all, aids for the outer space field cannot be underestimated in the progress of science and the economic boost.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair (17–22)
body1의 idea가 논제에 대한 답변이 될 수 없다는 점이 큰 감점요인이 될 수 있습니다. 단순히 투자하면 발전한다는 논리만으로는 '실용적인 도움이 되지 않음에도 투자해야 하는 이유'를 설득력있게 보여주지 못하지요. body2에서 제시한 내용처럼 실생활에 도움되는 과학분야가 아닐지라도 계속 투자해야 하는 이점을 구체화해주세요. 전반적인 에세이 형태나 구성에 대한 이해가 좋으시니까 body1의 내용만 잘 재구성하신다면 충분히 good level대 점수도 가능하실 거예요^^ 간단하게 재구성해서 revise해보시는 것도 좋을 것 같습니다. 코멘트 참고해주세요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!